The Relational Parenting Podcast | Transcript: Ep 011: From High School to Adulthood: Parenting Through Big Life Transitions and Service-Based Leadership with Lauren Schmidt

Ep 011: From High School to Adulthood: Parenting Through Big Life Transitions and Service-Based Leadership with Lauren Schmidt

March 30, 2023 / 01:11:08/E11

Jennifer Hayes:
table over here that's holding

Papa Rick:
That's

Jennifer Hayes:
my b-

Papa Rick:
like a religious thing. You've got a little gong behind you.

Lauren:
I'm gone.

Jennifer Hayes:
right? I should. I should get a little, a little tiny one that just hangs like right here. And I just smack it with a tiny little mallet. That would be fun

Papa Rick:
It was

Jennifer Hayes:
to

Papa Rick:
all

Jennifer Hayes:
start

Papa Rick:
mallet

Jennifer Hayes:
each episode.

Papa Rick:
things, it was all a phone. I like it. Or

Jennifer Hayes:
Okay.

Papa Rick:
at Tibetan, one of those ringing bowls or something.

Jennifer Hayes:
Okay, now that I

Lauren:
Thank

Jennifer Hayes:
have,

Lauren:
you. Bye.

Jennifer Hayes:
and I can play it.

Papa Rick:
Exactly. Exactly. Wow.

Lauren:
Oh, that's fun.

Jennifer Hayes:
I want to go get it.

Papa Rick:
Go get it now. Yeah. No. Next time.

Jennifer Hayes:
next time.

Papa Rick:
Whatever you want.

Lauren:
Thank

Papa Rick:
I got

Lauren:
you.

Papa Rick:
five

Lauren:
Bye.

Papa Rick:
minutes. Why don't you go take it out.

Jennifer Hayes:
Right? It's all the way upstairs.

Papa Rick:
Do

Jennifer Hayes:
I'll

Papa Rick:
you like

Jennifer Hayes:
bring

Papa Rick:
it on

Jennifer Hayes:
it

Papa Rick:
your

Jennifer Hayes:
next

Papa Rick:
bedside

Jennifer Hayes:
time though.

Papa Rick:
or something? Okay.

Jennifer Hayes:
No, it's like on our altar, like,

Papa Rick:
Yeah, okay.

Jennifer Hayes:
it is, I guess it is an altar. It wasn't for a long

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
time. I just kind of placed everything. I have all my little

Lauren:
Well, that's all for now.

Jennifer Hayes:
Hindu, Hindu gods and goddesses and my...

Lauren:
That's fun.

Jennifer Hayes:
candles and sage and all

Lauren:
Hmm.

Jennifer Hayes:
my little spirit tools.

Papa Rick:
Sweet grass? Do you have braided sweet grass?

Jennifer Hayes:
I do.

Papa Rick:
I remember you had

Jennifer Hayes:
Are you

Papa Rick:
something

Jennifer Hayes:
reading

Papa Rick:
like

Jennifer Hayes:
that book?

Papa Rick:
that. I had started that book the

Jennifer Hayes:
I was

Papa Rick:
day

Jennifer Hayes:
like,

Papa Rick:
before

Jennifer Hayes:
how do

Papa Rick:
yesterday.

Jennifer Hayes:
you know about that? It's got to be that book. Ha ha.

Papa Rick:
Somebody mentioned that. Now

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
I want some.

Lauren:
Can't go wrong with Sage. Oh. Oh.

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm sage Palo Santo and sweet grass. I also use I have different kinds of sage and then I also have mugwort I like bundles of mugwort and burning it I Don't know you can burn anything. I like to light things on fire and be like my smells

Papa Rick:
Poor,

Jennifer Hayes:
good

Papa Rick:
poor little mugwort being incinerated.

Lauren:
I love that.

Papa Rick:
Ha ha ha.

Jennifer Hayes:
I've actually collected when I hike, when there's trails, if I hike in the kind of now, everything's still kind of dead, but it's all dried out from the winter, I will pick some overgrown sage and some dead

Lauren:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
wildflowers

Lauren:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
that are all crinkled up or whatever. And

Lauren:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
I've made my own bundles before of mountain sage and wildflowers to burn for different. things. I sent them to my grandma before too.

Papa Rick:
Yeah,

Lauren:
What's up?

Papa Rick:
making

Jennifer Hayes:
Anyway.

Papa Rick:
your own is fun.

Jennifer Hayes:
Now that we're... All right, I'm gonna introduce Lauren.

Papa Rick:
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes, okay, serious podcast. All

Lauren:
Thank you. Bye.

Jennifer Hayes:
right, so welcome back everybody to the Relational Parenting Podcast. We are here for week four of the Education Series, four of five, and this week we have my friend Lauren, and she is here to talk to us about many things, Among those things, she assists families with the transition from high school to college through the college application process, which very naturally brings up different feelings of anxiety and worry and frustration and excitement and all of those things that happen in those very critical months between ending high school and heading off to college, getting into the all those fun things. So we are going to let Lauren introduce herself and tell us her story because she's also a parent of three and yeah Lauren welcome!

Lauren:
Thank you so much. I am so excited to be here. I love actually what you're saying here about like kind of like burning it. It reminds me so much of like, you know, stress, anxiety and like just getting rid of my identities that no longer fit you. So I am super, super, super excited. Yeah. So my

Jennifer Hayes:
Yay.

Lauren:
name is Lauren. Yeah, just I spent 10 years in Tanzania, just a little bit about me. I'm a mom of three. Two of my kids were adopted in Tanzania. The third one was born there. So I'm super excited because they all have that their birth certificate. For me, it's

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
like the one

Papa Rick:
Au revoir.

Lauren:
flying

Papa Rick:
Merci.

Lauren:
moment here. For all of them. Yeah, I spent 10 years there. I'm a social worker in my background. So I did my master's at Columbia and right after that, I hopped on a plane and went right to East Africa. Actually, my sister went to Kenya at the same time. So I always joke my parents lost both of their kids to East Africa

Jennifer Hayes:
Oh

Lauren:
like

Jennifer Hayes:
my goodness. Hahaha.

Lauren:
the

Papa Rick:
Ha ha ha

Lauren:
one

Papa Rick:
ha ha ha ha

Lauren:
in one go here and was doing work with kind of development projects and yeah university there and kind of working with kids and kind of helping them find out what they're what they're passionate about.

Jennifer Hayes:
Awesome.

Papa Rick:
Cool.

Jennifer Hayes:
So

Papa Rick:
How

Jennifer Hayes:
you...

Papa Rick:
did you come to go to East Africa? You say

Lauren:
Yeah,

Papa Rick:
you both

Lauren:
that's

Papa Rick:
went.

Lauren:
a great story. So I'll give you the real story here. So I was in eighth grade

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank

Lauren:
and

Jennifer Hayes:
you.

Lauren:
I

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank

Lauren:
was

Jennifer Hayes:
you.

Lauren:
obsessed with Jane Goodall. Loved Jane Goodall. What

Jennifer Hayes:
Oh

Lauren:
is

Jennifer Hayes:
yeah!

Lauren:
Jane Goodall?

Papa Rick:
sure enough.

Lauren:
I was like, yes,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes!

Lauren:
this person hasn't made. I said, I just love

Jennifer Hayes:
Right?

Lauren:
this. And then I took biology. And I was like, nope, not going to be Jane Goodall. Not going to biology. This is not me, not my thing, so.

Jennifer Hayes:
Not

Lauren:
But

Jennifer Hayes:
the monkeys.

Lauren:
I like it.

Jennifer Hayes:
Hahaha.

Lauren:
No,

Jennifer Hayes:
Hahaha. Hahaha.

Lauren:
no,

Papa Rick:
That's

Lauren:
it was

Papa Rick:
right.

Lauren:
not me. But it got me curious. that was actually how my first trip started. I applied for a grant and I remember like my dad was, he was so nervous. He flew with me halfway to Heathrow and he just like said bye and I knew some woman named Maimuna was gonna pick me up on the other side and I got

Jennifer Hayes:
Oh my gosh.

Lauren:
there

Papa Rick:
啊

Lauren:
and it was, yeah, I had a such a good,

Papa Rick:
Very

Lauren:
good

Papa Rick:
cute.

Lauren:
time. It was, yeah, the best,

Papa Rick:
Very

Lauren:
the best

Papa Rick:
cute.

Lauren:
experience.

Papa Rick:
Dad's shaper owning you halfway. I

Lauren:
Yes,

Papa Rick:
can see that.

Lauren:
he is, he loves traveling so it was such a, it was such a good moment but yeah that's how I, that's how I ended So it was started there and then it was like, I got the Tanzania, I think, fever. And then just was like, as quick as I can go back to kind of keep learning and keep doing new projects, service for me became something that was so much fun. It was life, totally life changing for me. And so I was like, I'm gonna go back to the school. I'm gonna go back to the school. I'm gonna go back to the school. I'm gonna go back to the school. I'm gonna go back to the school. I'm gonna go back to the school. I'm gonna go back to the school. I'm gonna go back to the school.

Papa Rick:
Well, just curious about that connection to East Africa

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
from New York right yet. It's like, wow, how come everybody went that same direction? That's interesting.

Lauren:
Yeah, yeah, nope, that's how I got started.

Jennifer Hayes:
So when you got there after grad school, what was your, you said you were a social worker, but to me who has also been a social worker and has grown up hearing that word, knowing that way. So it's such a vague, like, because there's so, so it's such a huge, it's like being a nurse. What kind of nurse are you, right? There's so many

Lauren:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
possibilities. So like, tell us more about what you did there when you moved there to work there.

Lauren:
Absolutely. So I did kind of, I was really a variety of things. So I worked at a university first, I was a social work lecturer, and then I designed service learning projects for students. And I think that's kind

Jennifer Hayes:
Mmm.

Lauren:
of how my initial passion came to really kind of connecting students with projects. I mean, they were all studying social work and we went to visit sober houses. That was half of our project. We found

Jennifer Hayes:
Hmm

Lauren:
NGOs that were doing disability advocacy. And there was something I felt truly magical that happened when we could get students out of the room and into the world and really have experiences

Papa Rick:
video.

Lauren:
with community partner.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
Something totally, it was absolutely the best.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
Yeah, that's what I was there.

Papa Rick:
Hands on.

Lauren:
Yeah, no,

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
it really was totally transformative. And it's something that I fell in love with. I always say, we hear like service is for helping and for me it's always been, I always say service feels so selfish and in the best way possible. When I do it, it just

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
like lights me up. And, you know, I see that with the students I'm working with as well. So that's what I was doing. And then I was working with the organization. So I've done everything from disability rights to LGBT activism and sober houses. And I just always kind of took students with me. And sometimes even my kids, I drag them to a couple sober

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
houses.

Papa Rick:
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Lauren:
They were like, oh, we don't want to go today. I was like, no,

Papa Rick:
They

Lauren:
come

Papa Rick:
loved

Lauren:
on.

Papa Rick:
every minute, yes.

Lauren:
No, for sure. That's all the journeys.

Jennifer Hayes:
They'll appreciate it later.

Lauren:
Oh, yeah.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
And it was one of the best experiences. I will, I remember this past summer I went and I saw my son and we went to an organization and it's run by a woman named Anneth and she was actually the first deaf graduate of University of Dar es Salaam and she started this organization to help other women who struggled to find employment. And I just remember my son's face like when he entered and I was just like, yes, this is why I'm doing this. This is

Jennifer Hayes:
Eugh.

Lauren:
why I want you there. This is, you know. for me is, it was the reason you could just see it was like, wow, like this is, you know, a whole different way of seeing the world. And I was

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
so, that's why I love it.

Papa Rick:
Yeah,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Papa Rick:
yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
My service experience was, yeah, I always, when, when I really didn't, I never left the country till I was 26, 27, and I got involved with a, with a church out here in Colorado, I started leading the youth group and then the youth group went, you know, to Haiti for a service mission. And then a couple of years later, we went to Belize and those were, for me, I was like, I can't believe I haven't been doing this my whole life. It was absolutely like exactly what you just said. I was in my element. I was the weather, you know, it was miserable and humid and like there were cockroaches, flying cockroaches. this big

Papa Rick:
Yeah,

Jennifer Hayes:
and

Lauren:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
equator.

Lauren:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
oh my god and it was you know 105 degrees and just wet. The air was just wet every day and you know we slept in concrete forts and we were carrying concrete every day but anyway all of that to say that like I came back from that first mission trip and was just alive and seeing There's something about reading about it in books, reading about different cultures, even studying them deeply versus going and living and feeling and seeing with your own eyes and touching the dirt and smoothing the concrete and carrying the buckets. There's just

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Hayes:
whatever the experience might be. I ended up after those missions, my job course changed. went into social work and I went into serving people with disabilities or youth in juvenile facilities stuck in cycles that they couldn't break out of and different things like that. And it's definitely like there's a huge benefit to exposing children to that early and, you know, maybe not when they're three, but when they're 10, 11 and starting to really form of the world, taking kids and seeing how different people live and how real different cultures are, different struggles can be, different ways of seeing the world. I learned a lot from those places and not just how difficult it is. I also learned about how to rest, how to work hard and rest and how to balance those things versus just living the way that we live in America. And yeah, I love that, that you're taking

Lauren:
It is

Jennifer Hayes:
your

Lauren:
so

Jennifer Hayes:
kids

Lauren:
true.

Jennifer Hayes:
out there and getting them in there now, you know?

Lauren:
No, I love it. Mine have like, they've just, I feel like they're kind of, I get the sigh often like, oh, mom, but no, it is amazing to see. I mean, one of the things I think that I've seen

Papa Rick:
off.

Lauren:
both of my kids and a lot of like the teens that I've worked with is that it often can be that guiding thing that allows you to figure out, what do I really care about? What

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Lauren:
lights me up? Like, what

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Lauren:
do

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
I want to spend my time doing?

Papa Rick:
Thank you.

Lauren:
And that

Papa Rick:
Thank you.

Lauren:
to me is the, there is no greater benefit than that, getting the chance to figure that out and see that everyone will be, you know, to different things, figuring out, you know, like I am definitely, like my oldest son is, you know, sports and soccer, and I would definitely not be organizing the soccer program, but

Jennifer Hayes:
Ha ha ha.

Lauren:
I was at the same place. He would definitely be there and, you know, kind of, or building things. It's just, it's amazing to see people's natural, what someone naturally loves come

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
to life in service.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Papa Rick:
Whether you actually end up in that field or not, you develop transferable skills too, like

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
you started

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm

Papa Rick:
to mention there, getting in and organizing a bunch of people to build something or start something up, that's all really transferable people skills. And you can take that wherever you go. There's no wasted time there, given that a try. And that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go ahead and do some of the things that I'm gonna do to help you.

Lauren:
Yeah, absolutely. And for me, it almost, it's always kind of felt like an adventure,

Papa Rick:
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Lauren:
I can say. I think it's something that I felt like, hey, you know, it's, it reminds me like, you know, if I don't have to go on an actual safari, I can just kind of go somewhere with my kids. It's so many times I think like, at least for myself as a parent, you know, we're in those positions where we're trying to figure out like, oh, you know, what am I supposed to, okay, there's like the rules and the guidelines and all of that. But like, sometimes it's nice just to kind of go out there and have fun.

Papa Rick:
Yeah. Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
It is.

Lauren:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
And it's also like, it's also a community feel. So in service, you know, whether you, like you guys were both saying, there's whether you end up in the service field or social work or anything like that when, when your kids get older, doesn't matter the experience, the exposure to different, to different ways of life and seeing like very real perspectives of the world and being able to the way that you see the world and approach the world, literally creates empathy just very naturally inside of somebody and the ability to understand difference and accept difference. And also

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
inside of service is built in community. You are in a group of people and you have to, whether you're figuring out what you're good at. And maybe your son is, out and runs around with a soccer ball while the adults are trying to get stuff done. You know, or he's the one that's really great at building something or conceptualizing a new building or, you know, like it might be a million different things and there's a million jobs to do inside of any community. And so it's really, it's a real opportunity for kids to like find themselves a little bit.

Lauren:
Yeah, I love that. I think it's so true because I think it's like sometimes I've seen this again so many times with you know teens is that we kind of ask ourselves the question is like what it what makes me unique you know what makes me different and the truth is

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
is like

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
I have never met one person who doesn't have something that is intrinsically inherently special about them that

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
can be a value to someone else. Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Papa Rick:
Yeah. It's also good to learn that

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
you have a role

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Papa Rick:
and there are other people that you're not the best at everything.

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm

Papa Rick:
And, and right, work in a team and go, okay, maybe I'm not supposed to be the leader. Maybe I'm not supposed to be the finance person, the detail person. I like to carry bricks or, you

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm

Papa Rick:
know, I like the physical, physical part of things. And, you know, like I say, there's, there's no part of that kind of learning that's not that's wasted. You know, that's, uh, yeah.

Lauren:
That is so powerful. I think that's so true.

Papa Rick:
You know,

Lauren:
I think that

Papa Rick:
you

Lauren:
is

Papa Rick:
know.

Lauren:
so true It's like the idea that I don't need to do everything I don't

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
like I think that if

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
there's like one message that like anyone can take it's that we do not need to be everything Everyone all the

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
time like let us find what we're good at. It's like me with tech like let's call in the truth Let's call him this way

Papa Rick:
Yeah,

Jennifer Hayes:
Right?

Papa Rick:
learn to collaborate. You know, it's like, kind of like the strengths finder, you know, do what you're good at and, you know, call somebody when there's

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
somebody, you know, if there's not your specialty, call somebody, you know, work, collaborate,

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
reach out, learn to reach out.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
true. That is so true. I hope... yeah, absolutely.

Jennifer Hayes:
So Lauren, tell us more than about, you know, so you were in Tanzania, you had your children, you adopted your children, and then how did all of that

Papa Rick:
Thank

Jennifer Hayes:
lead

Papa Rick:
you.

Jennifer Hayes:
you into what you do today?

Lauren:
That was great. That is such a good question. I love this story because it reminds me. So I was actually in Tanzania during COVID when COVID

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm.

Lauren:
was happening. And it was

Papa Rick:
Oh

Lauren:
one of

Papa Rick:
boy.

Lauren:
the most, yeah, oh yeah. It was so interesting because it was like the mass exodus of expats, we'll say that. It was like everyone,

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
Really?

Jennifer Hayes:
Bye.

Lauren:
everything. And of course I was not leaving because I was in the process of adopting my daughter. And her adoption actually had been delayed. So my husband actually had gone back to the US. So we had been 14 months. in Tanzania, trying to homeschool in a house that was never actually technically supposed to be a house with like a tin roof and like trying to Google YouTube videos for math for like my kids. And it was just, yeah, it was totally, you know, such an experience. But

Papa Rick:
Wow.

Lauren:
yeah, that's kind of how we, how I kind of got into this. But one of the things I saw that really kind of bothered me, I think even from like the social work perspective is that like when a lot of expats left, went with them the projects. And I was like,

Jennifer Hayes:
Mmm.

Lauren:
how is this, how is this

Papa Rick:
Oh.

Lauren:
okay? Like, this isn't okay. We just lost a health center. Like, this is like, this feels wrong.

Jennifer Hayes:
Uh,

Lauren:
So

Jennifer Hayes:
yeah.

Lauren:
made me ask, what do we do to create things where, again, you can have service

Papa Rick:
time.

Lauren:
programs that are not based on someone fully having to be there all the time in person, kind of like online, online work where people can get connected to communities. And I think as well for me, it was wanting to see how we could have that option. for communities. But then also, it was equally as a time, like I said, I was in the process of trying to finalize my daughter's adoption. There was like that uncertainty of trying to figure out, oh, we don't even know. I mean, that was, I just look back at the time and I think, wow, like, we didn't know when the date was. Of course, we're all living together. And it was such, I just remember like this emotionally charged time of, you know, how do you explain this to, again, we had three kids, there was for both of her brothers. And then, of course, my daughter, all totally in love with, but then asking like, there's like that uncertainty of, you know, when will it finalize? What will it look like? And I just remember it being like, such a time. Again, ironically, service was the thing. I think I needed something at that time to figure out how do you get out of yourself, right? You're just

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
sitting there with such

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
fear, really, in the whole

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
situation.

Papa Rick:
get the focus.

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
So it's so up in the air and the uncertainty

Lauren:
No.

Papa Rick:
and the change. You know, everybody, you got to learn to be resilient and, you know, it challenges you. It's not always comfortable, but oh my gosh, is that a valuable experience? How old was your daughter while you were doing

Lauren:
Yeah,

Papa Rick:
this?

Lauren:
she was around three. So she was very young.

Papa Rick:
Very little,

Lauren:
So

Papa Rick:
very

Lauren:
I now

Papa Rick:
little.

Lauren:
have a 14 year old, a, well, he just turned 10, a 10 year old and a now a five year old. But yeah, no, it was, I remember it, it was that moment for me that I was like, it was wanting to figure out like, how do you, how do you maintain this unit? How do you keep it,

Papa Rick:
Exactly,

Lauren:
and again,

Papa Rick:
that was great

Lauren:
yeah,

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you. Bye.

Papa Rick:
to

Lauren:
keep

Papa Rick:
keep

Lauren:
it together

Papa Rick:
them together.

Lauren:
when,

Papa Rick:
Yeah. Yeah.

Lauren:
you know, you yourself are feeling so, so uncertain, right? You have big feelings. So how do you hide this? And I think that was the journey for me in that time, trying to figure out how do you balance both keeping it real, but then also simultaneously as you're going through a very hard process, and I think this was pretty important for me, not losing your joy for everyone. Like let's still have the dance parties in our house, blasting

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
cheesy music and eating Nutella with spoons and

Papa Rick:
Ha ha

Lauren:
running

Papa Rick:
ha ha!

Lauren:
around just like, I am sure my 14 year old would be like, do not do not

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you. Bye.

Lauren:
play

Papa Rick:
Yeah,

Lauren:
those videos.

Papa Rick:
you definitely get rolling eyes now, but

Lauren:
Yeah,

Papa Rick:
yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
Right?

Lauren:
for sure.

Papa Rick:
Ha ha ha ha!

Jennifer Hayes:
So parenting through, yeah, parenting through COVID in another country. And when you and I talked, you said that your husband was back in New York at that time too,

Papa Rick:
Yeah, separated

Jennifer Hayes:
right?

Papa Rick:
from a partner,

Jennifer Hayes:
And so

Papa Rick:
yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
it was you and three kids. And yeah,

Papa Rick:
Mm.

Jennifer Hayes:
so let's, so tell me more about how you parented through that. What was your focus during that time?

Lauren:
That's a great question. I think a lot of it for me was how do you not, how do you allow feelings to kind of come out into the light? How do you keep it real? I think one of the things that kind of I didn't want is I didn't want to come from a place of feeling like I had to fake it, feeling like I

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
had to, you know, pretend everything was totally fine

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
and then probably inadvertently kind of get snippy with them, you know,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
not being able to connect and relate to them. So my question again, you know, for myself during the time How would I really kind of, you know, embrace, embrace really radical honesty during that time in ways that

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
felt, and it wasn't, you know, it really wasn't easy. It felt, it was like hard feelings, but it was kind of like, how do we, how do we both embrace hard feelings and then also see how can we fuel it? And I pair both of them because I think that's where a tree that grows in that time was so helpful for me because it was like, it's so hard when you're in a hard situation and you see, well, what is this for? Right? I think it, for me, it felt

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
so empowering. Like, hey, we can be in this. Like, this can really, you know, and I think it comes kind of reminds me of like college rejection, right? I hate when people kind of go like, oh, let's not pretend like, oh, it's, it's totally fine. And yes, it is fine. But also kind of like stops, right? Like, it doesn't

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
feel

Papa Rick:
I'm not sure.

Lauren:
good. The letter that says, you have been rejected. And then you

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
compare it to me like, yes, but it's, it's okay. Like, let's acknowledge

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
it feels bad. Like, it doesn't

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Yeah,

Lauren:
feel

Papa Rick:
yeah.

Lauren:
good, you know. So I think that was our approach during that time here.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah, you've

Papa Rick:
I think

Jennifer Hayes:
got

Papa Rick:
that's

Jennifer Hayes:
to have

Papa Rick:
a good

Jennifer Hayes:
that.

Papa Rick:
distinction. To where you know, there's happiness. Yeah. Go ahead, go ahead, sorry. I think we're gonna say

Jennifer Hayes:
You've

Papa Rick:
the

Jennifer Hayes:
got

Papa Rick:
same thing

Jennifer Hayes:
to

Papa Rick:
too.

Jennifer Hayes:
have

Papa Rick:
Go ahead,

Jennifer Hayes:
the...

Papa Rick:
sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie. Go

Jennifer Hayes:
Keep

Papa Rick:
ahead, sweetie.

Jennifer Hayes:
starting

Papa Rick:
Go ahead, sweetie.

Jennifer Hayes:
at

Papa Rick:
Go

Jennifer Hayes:
the

Papa Rick:
ahead,

Jennifer Hayes:
same

Papa Rick:
sweetie. Go ahead,

Jennifer Hayes:
time.

Papa Rick:
sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie.

Lauren:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
Go ahead, sweetie.

Lauren:
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Papa Rick:
Go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead, sweetie.

Jennifer Hayes:
There's,

Jennifer Hayes:
you know, and this is what I teach in relational parenting too, is that you've got to like this toxic positivity and calling, you know, I even touched on it with you, Lauren, talking about how the terms peaceful parenting and gentle parenting, while I know what they're trying to teach and they're not actually saying that parenting is always gentle, parenting is always peaceful. But by naming it those things. implying that and that's why I wanted to call what I do relational parenting because relationships are not always great. They're not always fun. They're not always easy. And you spend a lot of your time in relationship in conflict. And that's

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
conflict has gotten a bad rap. Conflict hard feelings negative feelings has gotten a bad rap. And the truth is though that by going through difficult situations and you know, really working that out. that muscle of coping skills, healthy coping skills, acknowledging feelings, allowing the feelings to move through you and all the different ways that that can happen. And then moving forward, having a deeper understanding of one another. And I imagine that you and your children, spending that time together, I imagine a lot of households, I think that COVID was hard to navigate for literally everybody. And for families with children, especially navigating that, you guys have a different level understanding of one another. You know, and being able to work through that difficult time together creates bonds and hopefully not traumas. I know in some households there are a lot of issues worldwide with unhealthy households where the rates of certain types of abuse, et cetera, went up really poorly. But, not to get sidetracked here, we forget that conflict serves a purpose. And instead of going

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
through it together and leaning on each other and working through it, we tend to avoid it, suppress it, and then it explodes. Like you said, pretending everything's okay and then getting snippy and mean with your kids. Like let's be real, let's show our kids what being human is. Let's be honest, like this fucking sucks and I'm

Lauren:
Yep.

Jennifer Hayes:
sorry.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
Yep.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
Let's talk about it. Let's get all those feelings out and then let's problem solve together.

Papa Rick:
Yep.

Lauren:
That is so true. Like everything you said, that's exactly like, toad for me, like totally spot on. It's just about, yeah, how do you walk through it? You know, how do you kind of like link hands? And it really, I think it really was a transformative time here, and it's about kind of like holding on to each other. And again, it goes back to like finding those strengths, because in those times, it was like, like my oldest son became, and I am notoriously like not a good cook. And that boy was making kind of meals out of everything. And I was like, wow, this is, you know, it makes me so incredible. Everyone felt like they had their kind of place. And I think it's so interesting, because I think it's like sometimes we think we have to choose. And we either have to say, oh, let's be hopeful, or we can be real. But I think there's the space where both can kind of coexist

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
together.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
We can say,

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
this hurts, but we also can kind of let it transform us.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Papa Rick:
Yeah, yeah, conflict is growth. It's not comfortable, you know, but it's valuable experience and to get through it and have something positive instead of like you guys are talking about, you know, being snippy and getting snippy and resentful and wow, wow, wow, and living in the past, you know, coming out of it with, okay, I know how to deal with that situation or avoid, you know, a situation or head it off or deal with it more positively, you know, yeah, conflict. clicked is good for you.

Lauren:
And

Jennifer Hayes:
It is.

Lauren:
it's hard as well, right? It's so hard because you have to kind of, you know, deal with your own shit really, right? You know,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yep.

Lauren:
it's like, I think,

Papa Rick:
That's

Lauren:
you know,

Papa Rick:
right.

Lauren:
you have to deal with it. Like you can't just like, you know, I had to figure out, I had to, you know, grieve in many regards here, like what I thought was gonna happen or was supposed to happen or what the outcome would be and be like, okay, let me try to figure out that so

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you.

Lauren:
I can

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you.

Lauren:
come to them. And it's so funny, anytime I know like I get with my, if I can see myself getting into that snippy space or like, you know, being that mom who's like some water falls on the ground and like oh gosh it's like you know the explosion because the water fall

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank

Lauren:
on

Jennifer Hayes:
you.

Lauren:
the

Jennifer Hayes:
Bye.

Lauren:
ground I know like for me it's like that wake-up call okay Lauren what's going on with you that you're not feeling good about because that's

Jennifer Hayes:
Mmm.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
the thing like that I'm trying to like divert with water or like crayons that have gotten on the floor or something

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
and it's a really not about the crayons it's kind of like my own I have

Papa Rick:
What's my

Lauren:
to

Papa Rick:
part

Lauren:
really

Papa Rick:
in this? You know, yeah, why am I reacting this way to this thing? Yeah.

Lauren:
Exactly.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Yeah, self is that self-awareness? That's,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
you know, that takes a takes a while for people to not just lash out at others and never seems like a lot of people lash out at others and never stop to think about their own, you know,

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm.

Papa Rick:
oh, yeah, I've been having a bad day for a while here. But what do I need to do so that when the water hits the floor it's like somebody get a rag please you know

Lauren:
Oh,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
absolutely. I

Papa Rick:
matter

Lauren:
think we

Papa Rick:
of

Lauren:
should

Papa Rick:
fact

Lauren:
normalize for like mothers to say like, it's our parents or partners, whoever, is just to say like, hey, I'm having a really bad day. Like this

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
is, I think that's part of like the shame buildup is like we're supposed to say like, oh, let me like, you know, have my great hair and put on a good filter. And then like, when you take down the filter, you're just like, yeah, but I still feel like crap. Like versus

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
you say like, hey, you know, let's just be, have real conversations that it doesn't always feel good. Oh.

Papa Rick:
Yeah,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah. I think that's important to normalize for parents because there's a lot of I hear from a lot of parents that it's, you know, well, but where's the line between being honest and dumping on my kids as emotional crutches? And that's, that's definitely a line that that is very real and it depends on your children's age. But I think that telling your kids how you feel is making them wrong, making their needs wrong, making like putting any kind of blame on your kids and or like letting your kids comfort you is actually, is good, they shouldn't be therapizing you. But being like, this is really hard for me to be at home and we're used to going out into the world and doing things and I know it's really hard for you too, and it's really hard for me, and I'm having a really bad day. Like, let your kids hug you and love on you and give you extra kisses and be gentle with you. And like, you're not, you're not, you know, going off and being like, the world is burning down and this is happening and this is happening and this is happening and, you know, you're not, you're not, there's a level of just, just be honest. This sucks. We can say that it's okay to say that it's okay to have negative feelings and like, Now that it's out, we've all hugged, maybe we've cried a little bit. All right, what can we do together to turn this day around? And so there's definitely,

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
but you're doing, you're doing your children a disservice when they can see you or feel you because they can. I don't care how hard or how well you hide it. Your

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
children can feel that you are having a shit day

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
and they're gonna walk on eggshells around you or they're just gonna, you know, whatever. And that honesty, puts all the fear aside, brings everything into the light so it can be dealt with. But if you are lying to your kids and just pretending everything is okay all the time, your children are going to learn that that's what you do. And they're never going to get language around their emotions and they're never going to feel safe coming and telling you that they're having, that they're struggling with something. You know, once they get to a certain age, they're just going to quit talking to you about stuff. Because,

Papa Rick:
That's a super,

Jennifer Hayes:
yeah.

Papa Rick:
that's

Jennifer Hayes:
So there's

Papa Rick:
super

Jennifer Hayes:
those...

Papa Rick:
important skill. Cause you send that mixed message, you know, you're

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
acting weird and the people around you, especially kids don't understand it, why, you know, what's going on and it just stifles everything, everything

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
like you say. All other people need to know to do is to give you a wide berth, you know, and that's not, you're not being a very good, parent leader, you know,

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
at that point.

Lauren:
Oh, absolutely. I really agree. I mean, I think like, vulnerability is one of like the, you know, it's like, for me, it's like bringing it out into the light. And I think I was reading this somewhere today, but like, it's like, in some ways, it removes the power from it, right? It's like, if we don't

Papa Rick:
Yes.

Lauren:
speak it, it like, it grows so big, it becomes this like,

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
this uninvited house guest, and you're like, how have you like, taken up space in my living room? I don't want you here. Like, you are

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
bad

Lauren:
energy. We need a lot of stage to get rid of you, you know? But like,

Papa Rick:
Ha ha ha

Lauren:
It's not like going about like how do we then just name it and I remember like even today, right? I was walking out and I was kind of having you know all my things were just kind of like oh, you know not working out And I went to my son. I said man. I'm having a hard day and he goes. I remember was supposed to he goes to he's like But mommy he's like he's like are you still my mommy? I was like, yeah, of course. He goes, then

Jennifer Hayes:
Oh.

Lauren:
you're not really having a bad day I was

Papa Rick:
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Lauren:
like You

Jennifer Hayes:
Bye.

Lauren:
know, thank you

Papa Rick:
Are

Lauren:
I've been

Papa Rick:
you

Lauren:
you know

Papa Rick:
still

Lauren:
Yeah

Papa Rick:
my mommy? See,

Jennifer Hayes:
Aww.

Papa Rick:
that's the interesting thing about adoption. And,

Lauren:
soon.

Papa Rick:
you know, it's like that, establishing that relationship and getting that really deep like that.

Lauren:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
Oh, that

Lauren:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
just hits me in the heart that

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
question. Wow.

Lauren:
Adoption is one of the most amazing experiences.

Papa Rick:
Mm.

Lauren:
I would absolutely, I've had two different kinds of adoption experiences. So my first son, I adopted when he was four and my daughter was when she was one. So both came at different kind of ages in the whole cycle here. And I think it's, for me, it's a lesson in like relentless acceptance of who someone is. I think it's

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
a, but then it was so funny, like then just Siri came into the world and I was like, well, yeah, I guess I have to accept you. accept you too. I guess it's just a

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
parenting, you know?

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
It really, really

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you. Bye.

Lauren:
is.

Papa Rick:
Unconditional. Wow.

Lauren:
mmm yeah

Papa Rick:
What a great example.

Lauren:
it is it is really powerful

Jennifer Hayes:
So tell us more about how this like, these are, you know, you have had this really mindful parenting, you know, as you've, as you've gone along, your journey, tell me more about the company that you've started now and how you help other families navigate the, the, the, those things.

Lauren:
Yeah, sure. So my company is called a tree that grows. So a lot of times I get the question like, okay, Lauren, what are you trying to grow? What's the tree? I said, okay, well, I definitely love trees. Like I'm one of the, you know, the people who will go on safari and just like admire the trees. But

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
no, so when I was again in Tanzania, there was this beautiful tree called the Baobab tree, just gorgeous, like really wild roots and branches. And it was

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
just, it honestly reminded like there with all

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
her

Lauren:
glory. I loved it. And again, when I kind of saw this, the idea behind a tree that grows is that we work with teens and helping them figure out their strength, their story and their passion and translating that into a service project. That again, both most importantly, gives them clarity on who they are, but then allows them to kind of again, take that as they are going through their college experience. And the tree that grows concept kind of came from, the roots to me are where we find our story. do. I always start with the story. For me, the story, if you ever want to figure out what you want to do or who you are, start by your experiences and figuring out the things that moved you, and that will pretty much guide you into what you want to know.

Papa Rick:
Mm.

Lauren:
The trunk is how we grow your strengths and skills, so growing who you are. And for me, the branches represent that moment where we are able to give that gift to others in communities. And so that's how we see service. I always say, I'm a social worker who doesn't like helping. So I hate the concept of helping. I don't find it particularly useful, but I like partnership. I like learning and I like exchange. So that's

Jennifer Hayes:
Hmm.

Lauren:
what we

Papa Rick:
Thank you.

Lauren:
do.

Papa Rick:
Bye.

Lauren:
We bring together communities in Tanzania. We bring together teams really around the world. We work with students from Ecuador and Indonesia and Kenya and the UK. And we figure out, you know, what is your driving factor? And for me, that was so important because I don't want anyone to go through the process whether they're applying to college or they're doing a gap year. And if you don't really have a clarity on who you are, it's so tempting to look to your neighbor. And I know because like I'm 37 and I'm still tempted to do this and

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
ask myself, oh, does my, does my story matter? Am I good enough?

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
You know, and this is of course, like you definitely are.

Jennifer Hayes:
Right.

Lauren:
Yeah. So that's, that's the work that I'm kind of involved in. Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
I love it. Doing, helping, yeah, teenagers figure out their true north, like where

Lauren:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
they want to go, not just where they're expected to

Lauren:
Yes.

Jennifer Hayes:
go. Yeah.

Papa Rick:
gets

Lauren:
Into

Papa Rick:
back

Lauren:
the mouth.

Papa Rick:
to that self-determination instead of

Lauren:
Thank you. Thank you.

Papa Rick:
just going with the flow or looking to others. I've heard you talk about this before, Jenny, sort of looking, getting your direction from others, looking within, what do I wanna do? What am I good at? And being a little more self-directed. And so, I'm gonna go back to that. I'm gonna go back to that. I'm gonna go back to that.

Lauren:
Absolutely. And the truth is I always say to students is that if we get clear on that, and even if someone like doesn't want to be a social worker, even if it's like, hey, I want to be an engineer. But the question comes, I use kind of see impact is how do you want to improve the field that you're going into here? You know,

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
how do you want to make it a little bit better? And if you get clear on that, then it doesn't even matter who accepts you or rejects you because you are

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
clear on why and where you're where you're going. And if you don't have that, you know, it was so interesting. Like I was reading an article today. And I think it was from the Wall Street Journal and it was like how about teens actually teen girls in America And they were like we are having a crisis here. I mean this is just you know rates of you know suicide sadness, I mean

Jennifer Hayes:
Hmm

Lauren:
Depression it was like and I think it's a really interesting thing and they said yet We're seeing again so many behaviors that would not be considered like at-risk behavior So it's again. It's all of these girls who are you know doing what I'm supposed to I think I'm supposed to be doing that and then in the end are our left-leafed feeling really, really empty. And I think for me, that's like the greatest loss. That's what I don't want.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
And when you can figure out who you are, who cares if Harvard rejects you? You know who you are. No one can reject your dreams.

Jennifer Hayes:
Ha ha ha.

Lauren:
You are clear on you. Go ahead and reject me. That's fine. I'm going to find someone else and I will make my way.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
I

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
love it. Yes. Have you ever had to like really coach any parents through that? So I hear you saying that you have to like, you really talk to students about that, but I'm curious about like parents viewing college rejections as like, my kid's not gonna be successful now cause Harvard didn't accept them, you know? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Lauren:
Absolutely. No, absolutely. I think one of the things like when we're working with families and having conversations, we really talk about like, you know, what is it? What is the aim for your kid here? Like how do we kind of look at their, you know, what is your goals for your child? And a lot of it again comes back to is like,

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you.

Lauren:
a lot of parents just want their kids to be happy, right?

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm.

Lauren:
And then it kind of goes back to it's like, you know, how does kind of universities relate to is it really a dream that you have for yourself, right?

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
kids' families, it's like, you know, I can be a mom of three, but hey, I still have my own dream. So then it kind of goes back to the conversation of how do we separate ourselves from the achievements of our kids, right? And it's so

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
hard, right? Because the ego is such an even myself, like I will be the first one. It's so tempting to feel like anytime there is that outside validation, you're like, oh, wow, yes, I'm like,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
I'm doing good, you know, and then it can feel like that burn when it is. But it's such an opportunity, I think, for us to kind of Again, go inside and ask ourselves, it's like, what is the space that I want to create in my home? What is the kind of them? And it's such an opportunity as well for really deep connection during this time because the kids and the families

Papa Rick:
Thank you.

Lauren:
are both

Lauren:
feeling vulnerable,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
right?

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
It's an opportunity to have that conversation rather than, again, push it away, say, oh, don't worry about it. It's okay when you yourself are feeling, you have feelings as a parent.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
You know? has feelings. So again, it's one of those spaces to say, you know, sharing your rejection stories, like, you know, normalizing it, being like, Hey, let me tell you that time when, like, you know, I got rejected from my early decision school and like sat with my sister and had a great Carvel ice cream cake and like, you know, it may not have been the best coping mechanism, but it was like, you know, a good moment

Papa Rick:
That's

Lauren:
here. So

Papa Rick:
right.

Lauren:
just, you know, having those conversations.

Papa Rick:
It doesn't have to be perfect. So much of what we see online with Facebook and Snapchat and Instagram is everybody's perfect little moments.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Sharing an imperfect little story, like that's okay.

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
That's the way people are. You know, it's not perfect. You know, that's a great thing to model or to share with kids.

Lauren:
Definitely.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
And it's also like an opportunity for us to ask ourselves, like if we are having strong feelings that, man, I wish my kid would be at a certain school. I wish my kid would do this. Maybe it's like, it's kind of like, I, you know, I was reading, it's like almost like jealousy, right? Or something like that.

Jennifer Hayes:
Mmm.

Lauren:
Again, instead of like shaming

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
it and pushing it down, maybe it's like a cue for yourself. Like, is there something that I'm

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
seeking to do? Do I have an unfulfilled dream? Do I have a dream that's like calling inside of me you know forcing me to kind of project it on them so I think that's

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
it kind of is an opportunity to examine that as well.

Jennifer Hayes:
I think there's, yeah, it's definitely like there's a huge part of projection and living. You know, if there was anything you didn't get to accomplish before your focus became your family and your kids or anything that you've been putting on the back burner. And we all have stuff inside of us that we project onto other people and it gets projected most strongly on those that are closest to us.

Papa Rick:
Close for you, yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
And there's also, I think, an element of... of fear and safety in that, you know, of like, my kid needs to get into a good school because a good, a good education means good job opportunities means

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Hayes:
security, and that they're going to survive. Like it's basically a survival instinct, right? Is that we want our kids to be successful because it means that they're going to be okay. And it means that they're going to be okay with or without us, with or without a partner, you know, stand on their own two feet, support themselves financially, and eat and survive this world. And so I think that the motivations can be varied and or crossover. It might be that you had a dream or didn't get to go to college or whatever, and you don't want your kid to feel that. So you want them to get in so that they don't feel the sting of rejection. It might also be that there's an unfulfilled need inside of them. of yourself and it might also be that you just want your child to be okay and to, you know, sometimes a college education feels like a security blanket, even though there are hundreds of ways to be successful without one. And yeah, I think there's so much at play there as far as like parenting through something like that.

Lauren:
Yeah. And it's so interesting because like one of the most popular class at Yale is actually a class on happiness. And I think, you know, there's some irony to this here that

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
like that is really like, you know, it goes to say, I think even as parents, we really have to, you know, the mental health of teens is something that we really have to, I mean, it's such an important issue. Like, we are having, I mean, I forget the statistics, I think, when we were looking at like 60% of kids in their first year of college are, you know, experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
And again, I kind of look at it, but I look at like the system that we've created. Like we've had these years because we have not focused on like, who are you? Like, what do you love? What does that authentically

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
look like for you? But we've, you know, focused on getting in, getting in. What

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
is my friend doing to the, you know, how is my neighbor doing? What is it this like really frantic thing? And then

Jennifer Hayes:
Performance,

Lauren:
we get there,

Jennifer Hayes:
just constant

Lauren:
performing.

Jennifer Hayes:
performance, yeah.

Papa Rick:
comparison to others.

Lauren:
Comparison.

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm

Lauren:
And then we get here and we still feel like that law, like we still feel lost, We still haven't

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
it's like you know, it's kind of like the truth. It's like, you know, we still haven't figured it out yet Like it's still you might have gotten in and had all the external. So I think it's like and it can be something I think that feels really It's also like, you know, I focus fine services. It's so bonding for families, right? It's like

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
the idea of like the Expectations, I mean, that's a whole other thing is working with parents. It's like managing. Why do we have these expectations? Maybe

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
we even change the what you know, maybe we should just kind of read readjust what? expectations we should maybe it's you know do I feel fulfilled do I feel excited you

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
know

Papa Rick:
Thank you. Thank you.

Lauren:
I was so many people like we are we are 17 we should not be feeling really exhausted we should feel like really lit up about what we're doing we should just

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
be like and I don't know what you like you could like you know anime for all I care but let's pursue that with like gusto and just

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah,

Lauren:
go for it

Jennifer Hayes:
yeah. Yeah,

Lauren:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
there should be, and this is like our last three episodes on education have been about child-centered learning, child-centered education, updating the current public school system and even a lot of private school systems, which are mirrored off of public school systems, of like where we have a lot of kids in one classroom with one adult, maybe two, you know, and then there's, It's an assembly line of education instead of personalized

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
for what

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
each child's needs are and interests and strengths and natural gifts. We're just putting people through the exact same process and testing them and judging them all based on one set of standards that makes no sense for most people. And then we're wondering why when our kids turn 18 and head out into the world, whether it's college or trade school or a job or starting a business or a gap year, like whatever it might be, the kids leave the home and all of a sudden they've had all this structure and to-do lists of what to do for the first 18 years of their lives and then they're off on their own and they figure out there's actually no rules.

Lauren:
Yep.

Jennifer Hayes:
There's actually no

Papa Rick:
That's right.

Jennifer Hayes:
rules other than like laws and police and you know some general

Papa Rick:
changed

Jennifer Hayes:
like

Papa Rick:
the

Jennifer Hayes:
don't

Papa Rick:
game.

Jennifer Hayes:
murder people, right? you can literally go out into the world and do anything

Papa Rick:
video.

Jennifer Hayes:
and they're lost because they haven't spent any of their childhood learning their own strengths, their own skills, what they actually love versus what gets them a dopamine hit because an adult gives them approval for doing something, right? And so, and we've looking at our neighbor or being compared to our neighbor or our sibling or whatever. straight A's like, why are you getting C's, you know? And there's just, childhood is so many people's childhoods are spent in performance and people pleasing mode instead of who am I and what do I want to do in this world.

Papa Rick:
Hmm?

Lauren:
Oh, absolutely. And like the grand irony is, is that like we have these education systems, which, you know, train people to all be the same, all be the same. And then we get to like the college application process. And like our question is, is like, what makes you unique? And now we have just stressed out. Oh, no, you

Jennifer Hayes:
Right?

Lauren:
know, it like doesn't make much I am, I am trying to understand how this, you know, it's just

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
like that is mind blowing to me that. And the interesting thing that I've always found is it normally is, and it's not all the time everyone's different, of course, but like that thing about yourself that maybe again has caused you some shame, you feel insecure about you, and I'm not sure is this like, is this a quirk I want to show the real world? That is generally your superpower. That is generally the thing that

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
we want you to do. So, yeah.

Papa Rick:
Is

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Papa Rick:
it safe? Is it safe to do that? You got to feel safe to do that.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
That's a great point. I

Papa Rick:
Get

Lauren:
love that

Papa Rick:
past

Lauren:
point.

Papa Rick:
the peer, right? Before you're being unique, being different in school can be horrendous.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yep.

Papa Rick:
You know, kids, kids

Lauren:
Yes.

Jennifer Hayes:
Kids

Papa Rick:
make

Jennifer Hayes:
are

Papa Rick:
fun

Jennifer Hayes:
mean.

Papa Rick:
of you and other kids. Yeah, you know,

Lauren:
Thank you. Thank you.

Papa Rick:
and you're not really prepared for it at that point. So that's a real conundrum of

Lauren:
Yeah!

Papa Rick:
parenting is how do you, you're in the school system. What listening do you guys talk? You know we're we're in people pleasing mode where we're being prepared to be stamped out i have to learn this this year and then get on next year and i didn't learn that. Well you're dead now you're just getting the edges trim you know it's like i imagine a big machine where you're stamping

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
people out and if you're not quite aligned you know other little edges off of you and. Some people go through on on route on time that's fine but most people don't.

Lauren:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
kids when you're in a system like that, that's the system. How do you teach your kids to be self motivated, to be internally motivated and find your, your bliss, you know, in the midst of, yeah, but we probably a good idea to have a B average when you get out of high school if you want to go to Harvard, you know,

Jennifer Hayes:
Right.

Papa Rick:
there's, there's,

Lauren:
No.

Papa Rick:
there's a, it's a complicated system, you know, it's not a perfect world. What are we parent people, parent little people through that?

Lauren:
That is a great question. I mean, I think that is the question of our time. You know,

Jennifer Hayes:
Right?

Lauren:
I love it because I've often thought like it comes back to me. And I've had situations where, you know, you're that mom or dad or whoever and you get that call from the school. And it's so interesting and it can be like, oh, it's so and so, you know, and your initial reaction is like, oh, oh gosh, you know, we haven't complied, we haven't done it. And it's so interesting.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
And then

Jennifer Hayes:
Bye. Bye.

Lauren:
I saw it was like, I bring that to my kids and it happened one day and I remember I was in such a mood and I was so like, I could see I went to my one son and I was like being overly like, Oh, are we doing this? Are we doing that? And then I had to like step back and ask myself, I'm like, do I want this trash?

Papa Rick:
That's right.

Lauren:
And I was like, do I want this in my house? Like

Papa Rick:
Mine trash, I like that.

Lauren:
this

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
feels like something I don't want, you know?

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
So

Papa Rick:
Thanks for watching. I hope you enjoyed this video. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope you enjoyed it.

Lauren:
it's about kind of, I think it's, it's so hard to control like what's out there in the system. But I think then it comes

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
back to us. What can we, how can we protect that space? That energy? messages. I have a lot of like, you know, empathy for parents because it's like, we are getting these messages that are like, you know,

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm

Lauren:
it's like, ding ding ding, and like, are the kids, is the kid okay? And you feel afraid when you hear that, like that's worrisome. And then that is the energy we are indirectly bringing to our kids. So I think it's like, you know, the question we have to kind of, it's going back and kind of redirecting. And, you know, I always ask myself, like, you know, what is that moment that I want with them, you know, when I'm sitting, when I'm sitting with them, like, what do I want them to remember

Papa Rick:
Exactly.

Lauren:
from me?

Papa Rick:
Exactly.

Lauren:
But it's hard,

Papa Rick:
That quality

Lauren:
you feel

Papa Rick:
time

Lauren:
it,

Papa Rick:
moment.

Lauren:
you know?

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

Papa Rick:
Hmm. Yeah,

Jennifer Hayes:
I think

Papa Rick:
it's

Jennifer Hayes:
there's

Papa Rick:
tough.

Jennifer Hayes:
a way even when you like, even if it like, especially if you're a parent and you're listening to this right now and you've got young kids or grade school or middle school, high

Papa Rick:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
school

Jennifer Hayes:
kids in the public school system and you're like, I always try to say at least once every episode, like I don't ever want any parents sitting there being like, Oh my God, I haven't done any of these things. And I'm screwed. Now I'm, now I know

Lauren:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
that I'm screwing up my kids. That's not the point of

Papa Rick:
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

Jennifer Hayes:
this podcast. Like I want parents to hear these things like, you know, now that we know better, we do better. I think that should just be the battle. of this podcast at this point because we say it every episode. And like I, there is a way to live your truth and to sit with what you want, how you want to raise your children, and the reality of the fact that we are set up in a society the way that we are set up, short of going off the grid, buying your own land, you know, growing

Lauren:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
your own

Jennifer Hayes:
garden and becoming completely self-sufficient, which is difficult and rare. I know there are people who do it. I follow them on Instagram, which

Papa Rick:
Going

Jennifer Hayes:
also

Papa Rick:
back

Lauren:
Thank

Papa Rick:
to

Jennifer Hayes:
means

Papa Rick:
the

Lauren:
you.

Papa Rick:
1700s,

Lauren:
Bye.

Jennifer Hayes:
they're not off the grid. They're on Instagram. But...

Papa Rick:
get the oil, oil,

Lauren:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
and

Papa Rick:
candles.

Jennifer Hayes:
But there are different, just like everything else in life, there is a spectrum. We are all on that spectrum. And we live in a society that is structured the way that it is for the times that we are in. And there is a way to live truthfully and honestly inside of your home and to have those really deep conversations with your children about their experiences of the world and how

Papa Rick:
to be a

Jennifer Hayes:
to

Papa Rick:
big ze.

Jennifer Hayes:
navigate those with authenticity without trying to just play the game or people please are constantly perform and compare like there there are mindset and coping skills and ways to navigate the and live in the world we live in

Lauren:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
and live You know, it's almost like your home is like a it's like a micro organism inside of the bigger

Papa Rick:
Hmm.

Jennifer Hayes:
picture

Lauren:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
And so you can, your kids are gonna experience the world because there's no avoiding it, but there's a way to help them navigate the world that is true to your family's values. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lauren:
Yeah,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lauren:
yeah,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lauren:
that's

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
so

Papa Rick:
years.

Lauren:
cool. I'm like, I think, let's normalize, like not doing it right all the time. Like I think that's so important. Like,

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
you know, every like, let's, I just want to like, you know, remove the shame on that. Like, and I remember, I think it was like, Brené Brown, I was reading that. It's like, you know, shame thrives in silence. And I just remember

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
one day, like, I had

Papa Rick:
Bye.

Lauren:
a bad day with my kids and I like, I texted my sister. I was like, please tell me that like, you lose your temper with your kids

Lauren:
too. And she was like, Lauren, like, hello, I just did it like five minutes. ago. And it was

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
like, it was like a breath of fresh air. So I

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
think it's like being very honest that like no one, no one gets it right all the time. And some grace to

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
ourselves that a lot of our responses are actually normal reactions to systems that are really making us feel a little stressed out and afraid. So yeah.

Papa Rick:
Little crazy,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Papa Rick:
yeah. Like you were describing being in Tanzania during COVID, where it's just different. There's no well-defined path to follow. It's dynamic. Things are always coming at us as parents faster than you can really assimilate. And that's creating a place, a home. It's like, okay, everybody come calm down. Turn off Snapchat. Personally, I think it... You know, things like Snapchat and Instagram. You mentioned filters before earlier, Lauren. You know,

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
that's just a horrible influence, but you try to turn it off, try to ban it. The trick is to be an island, get yourself to the place as a parent, where you can help your kids process that stuff and come out on the other side, seeing it for what it is, not taking it in body is and you know, thinking those things. It's not saying it's easy, but somehow, somehow I think we need to do that to have an effect on the way the world's going. You know, because

Lauren:
Love

Papa Rick:
they

Lauren:
that.

Papa Rick:
like to stamp us in a little mold and so they can sell us so we can be a marketing category, you know.

Lauren:
Yes, yes, yes. Get yourself on an island and some good friends who are willing to, you know, affirm you when you,

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
you know, are human, right? Like when we just are human. And I think like that, and that would be like the one message I would have for anyone is like, if they're going through that, it's just like, hey, you know, it's okay, you know, just be as kind to yourself as humanly possible. Like

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
most of us are doing the best we can.

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
And on an island, get connected with other people, get real, like your, like your Bernie Brown quote,

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
you know, that's to call your sister, get, don't, don't try to white knuckle it and do it all on your own.

Lauren:
Yes, yes, yes, yes. Totally agree.

Jennifer Hayes:
And that can be hard. Like I just want to speak to people

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
who may be listening and being like, I don't have anyone I feel safe enough to

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Hayes:
call.

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Jennifer Hayes:
You know, there are definitely people who grow up in families and they are the first cycle breaker, right? They are the one who is done and is raising their kids, you know, a complete 180 from the way they were raised

Papa Rick:
got

Jennifer Hayes:
or the way

Papa Rick:
out

Jennifer Hayes:
that

Papa Rick:
somehow.

Jennifer Hayes:
they're

Lauren:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
getting out of something. And so they may be wide open.

Lauren:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
So, yeah, finding, joining some kind of community center or just going to your public library and like taking your kid to like, there's all the, there's like, there's like baby reading groups and toddler reading groups and bigger kid reading groups, you know, looking up the local free kid options and getting out

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
there and just being brave and meeting other parents until you find somebody you click with.

Papa Rick:
Yeah, that's a great idea. A list of resources

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
would be good. Storytime at the library or a religious organization, maybe, not that all those are great, but get

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah,

Papa Rick:
out with

Jennifer Hayes:
you

Papa Rick:
people

Jennifer Hayes:
find a church

Papa Rick:
where you

Jennifer Hayes:
that's

Papa Rick:
can take

Jennifer Hayes:
really

Papa Rick:
your

Jennifer Hayes:
supportive.

Papa Rick:
kids.

Lauren:
Thank you. Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
And

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
then get up and have a cup of water or whatever they do to socialize and get out there and bump into somebody. It

Lauren:
you

Papa Rick:
doesn't even have to just mill in your community.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Yeah, boy, if you're out rural and stuff, then that can be limited to limiting to I'll have to we'll have to

Lauren:
Yeah,

Papa Rick:
think of ideas

Lauren:
that's a great...

Papa Rick:
to give people have a little resource.

Lauren:
Great point. And that's, I think to me, that's always been the beauty of volunteering. I think like, you know, a lot of like with

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Lauren:
my volunteer fellows

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm.

Lauren:
that I work with, you know, I

Papa Rick:
Exactly.

Lauren:
always start them off with that quote by Glenn and Doyle. It's like, go to your heartbreak and you will find your people like run to your heartbreak and

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
you will find your people. And

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Papa Rick:
Ha. Ha.

Lauren:
I just,

Papa Rick:
I like

Lauren:
that's

Papa Rick:
that.

Lauren:
where our people are, you know, it's like, if we find what drives us, what moves us, we run there, you know, even in my moments when I fell most alone, if I do that, I will at least find. beauty of service is you're like wow I am there in community with others even if my whole my individual life feels like it is crumbling and I am like messing up everything

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you.

Lauren:
else

Jennifer Hayes:
Bye.

Lauren:
I know

Lauren:
I can be someone else

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
you know

Papa Rick:
I like that. I like that. I get that. You told the story about your little one saying, are you still my mommy? And

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
that

Jennifer Hayes:
Oh.

Papa Rick:
just cuts me. And I'm sure

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
a lot of other people too. But then I look at church today. I'm always full in with the kids. And I love working with kids. And it's because of that. It doesn't have to be perfect when you're parenting. If you can plant seeds, you know, that will then grow and give them things to work on it. You know, there's, they're going to spend more time as they get older. They're out in the world more and you can't protect them. And you can't always just fix things or, you know, but you can give them tools in a relatively short period of time. You know, that bubble we were talking about

Lauren:
Thank you. Thank you.

Papa Rick:
at home, make your home a place where they can, where you can find out what's going on with them and you can make suggestions and read a good book. Like, something so you have ideas for different situations and talk to other people about boy, you know, my kid surprised me with this thing that happened at school. That's, yeah, it takes takes a village in more ways than one these days.

Lauren:
Oh, it does. And I mean, that's

Papa Rick:
Wow.

Lauren:
how I survived Tanzania. It was two people who stepped up, Juma and Yusufu, who came in to me, I mean,

Papa Rick:
Thank you.

Lauren:
helped

Lauren:
me when I was just, I will always, like, they

Papa Rick:
Oh.

Lauren:
still work with me in my project now today. I mean, they became the people and it's just amazing. These people can come out of like nowhere. And I think I will always, and it's a certain level of connection that I will just, you know, I stay in forever gratitude to them because I was like,

Papa Rick:
Sure.

Lauren:
looked around and I was like, wow, this is, now what I planned. Yeah, it's amazing

Jennifer Hayes:
Thank you. Bye.

Lauren:
who steps up. It's incredible.

Papa Rick:
That's

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
where real loyalty and connection comes from. It's

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
shared trials and tribulations

Lauren:
You

Papa Rick:
sometimes.

Lauren:
know.

Jennifer Hayes:
It is. There's actual scientific research behind that and there's also the book Tribe. And I'm

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
blanking on, I know, Lewis gave

Papa Rick:
I've read

Jennifer Hayes:
it

Lauren:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
to

Papa Rick:
that

Jennifer Hayes:
you.

Lauren:
Thank you.

Papa Rick:
one.

Jennifer Hayes:
So my husband is a retired army veteran and he, the book Tribe is by an author who Oh man, pretty sure he was also a veteran. That might be incorrect.

Papa Rick:
I need

Jennifer Hayes:
But

Papa Rick:
to be

Jennifer Hayes:
he

Papa Rick:
your

Jennifer Hayes:
is

Papa Rick:
guy

Jennifer Hayes:
describing,

Papa Rick:
off screen with Google.

Jennifer Hayes:
yeah, go ahead and Google it. But he, so he is, he wrote this book describing the The tribalism that is so bonding is through suffering. So that brotherhood that, you know, actually now that I'm thinking about it, I don't think the book was too heavily about the military. But anyway, it's about the concept

Papa Rick:
More about the lessons

Jennifer Hayes:
of,

Papa Rick:
learned. Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
yeah, it's more about like the tribalism that occurs and where that comes from. And a lot. either to the Native Americans or we take the army and combat as our examples, but it shows basically worldwide how societies actually became stronger and came out more intelligent and invented things, etc. together. Sebastian Younger.

Papa Rick:
Can I do that?

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah,

Papa Rick:
You make

Jennifer Hayes:
is

Papa Rick:
you can

Jennifer Hayes:
the

Papa Rick:
edit

Jennifer Hayes:
author.

Papa Rick:
that out.

Jennifer Hayes:
No, that's good. We're referencing. We should know who the author is.

Lauren:
Thank you. Thank you.

Papa Rick:
Yeah, that's

Jennifer Hayes:
But

Papa Rick:
bad.

Jennifer Hayes:
basically like presenting the science of these studies that had been done in warring societies and Native American tribes were always fighting each other and then there were times of peace, etc. But societies that bonded and through suffering because you had to rely on each other. And

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
so going through like my closest friends in the world that walked me through my 20s with anxiety, depression, panic attacks, etc. And they are like, they are my rocks. Like, I know that I can call them for anything for the rest of my life, and they will be there.

Papa Rick:
Yeah, lifelong.

Jennifer Hayes:
And vice versa. So there's this like, like 1000%, the people who lean on scientifically proven to bond you and make your relationships more fulfilling and deep. And

Papa Rick:
That's

Jennifer Hayes:
that

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
what

Jennifer Hayes:
concept

Papa Rick:
a tribe is.

Jennifer Hayes:
can be translated to a parent-child relationship as well, working through conflict and difficulty, whether it's directly between you and your child or your child having an issue with something else in their life. to during hard times is the number one most bonding thing that will matter to them as they navigate the world.

Papa Rick:
Yeah. How to get

Lauren:
as

Papa Rick:
connected.

Lauren:
soon as we're able.

Papa Rick:
How to do that. I mean, that's like you were, you were talking about Lauren. Sorry, I'm doing too much talking here, but,

Lauren:
Yeah. No,

Papa Rick:
you

Lauren:
no.

Papa Rick:
know, getting out in a group of some kind, doing some kind of project and

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
working together on something, especially something you're passionate about, you know, building houses for people or building services for people or that, you know, that conflict. Anytime you're around people, right? You get three people in a room and there's going to be some kind of conflict that's where it comes from is working through it in the service of some bigger goal, you know, some collective goal.

Lauren:
I love that. I think that's so true. And it's like all about like, how do I see my story? Right? How do I see it? Do I see it as, is this my overcoming story? Is this my, you know, I'm going to take it to a next level, level story? Is this my

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
next chapter? And I think it's either, you know, and I think it's, you know, it's both about acknowledging what's honest and then also saying, well, what could the story be? How, well, how could I end this? Like, well, how could

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
I write this?

Papa Rick:
How

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
do I

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
nudge this? How do I nudge this where I think it needs to go?

Lauren:
Where do I want to take this? And I think it's the freedom, finding your people and then having the freedom to write. And it's hard and it's slow. And that's another thing I want to normalize is that this is not, I think sometimes we think that this happens and like, no, like this is, I'm a

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
big bully when it's slow and small steps,

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
baby crawling like, baby steps. You know? I'm a big

Jennifer Hayes:
Mm-hmm.

Lauren:
bully when it's

Papa Rick:
Baby

Lauren:
slow and small steps,

Papa Rick:
steps.

Lauren:
baby

Papa Rick:
That's

Lauren:
crawling.

Papa Rick:
just

Lauren:
Like,

Papa Rick:
what,

Lauren:
baby steps. Baby

Papa Rick:
yeah.

Lauren:
steps. Baby steps. You know?

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
You don't go out and save the world. You just do

Lauren:
Oh,

Papa Rick:
your part on

Lauren:
exactly.

Papa Rick:
making the world a better place, right? You know, it's not dramatic, usually.

Lauren:
And that might mean like calling my friend on that day and saying, I feel alone. And that is my part in being a better

Jennifer Hayes:
Yes.

Lauren:
human, a bigger, or you know, going to that library and figuring out, taking that brave step of saying, let me find, let me put myself out there. And that's, that's hard, you know, that's not, not an easy thing to do when someone's trying to do it differently. And I think that's what's really powerful about

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
this whole thing.

Papa Rick:
Yeah. Hmm.

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Boy,

Jennifer Hayes:
limit.

Papa Rick:
I think we could add some important stuff today. That's cool.

Lauren:
We're good.

Jennifer Hayes:
Lauren, is there anything we're at an hour? Is there anything

Papa Rick:
Ha ha

Jennifer Hayes:
that

Papa Rick:
ha.

Jennifer Hayes:
we haven't, I know I have to watch it.

Papa Rick:
how fast it goes Warren.

Lauren:
Yeah, this is so much fun. I haven't had the time.

Jennifer Hayes:
Is there anything that we, Lauren, that we haven't touched on that is crucial to

Lauren:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
your

Jennifer Hayes:
message, your work, anything that we haven't gotten to that you want to share?

Lauren:
No, I think we've really shared a lot of what I stand for and what I'm not even about. I think at different stories we've pretty encapsulated it all here.

Jennifer Hayes:
Awesome. Wonderful. Well... Thanks for watching! Please subscribe to my channel! Thanks for watching! Please subscribe to my

Papa Rick:
I

Jennifer Hayes:
channel!

Papa Rick:
think

Jennifer Hayes:
Thanks

Papa Rick:
we hit

Jennifer Hayes:
for watching!

Papa Rick:
everything on the notes too. So easy to hide in hard moments and

Lauren:
Thank you. Bye.

Papa Rick:
some college admissions. There's probably people we could do and probably do another episode on college admission tricks.

Lauren:
Oh,

Papa Rick:
I'll bet,

Lauren:
that's

Papa Rick:
you

Lauren:
it's

Papa Rick:
know.

Lauren:
own thing. That's it's own thing. But just, you know, I always say the question, I guess, that's I've had on my mind. So it's like, what is the cost of confusion? You know, I think sometimes it's like we don't recognize

Papa Rick:
Hmm

Lauren:
the impact that can have on our physical health, our mental health, our everything, you know, not

Papa Rick:
Yeah.

Lauren:
knowing who I am and then signing up for a university for four years and then just trying to like, you know, I mean, the power of getting clear and even sometimes as the part of getting clarity.

Papa Rick:
Mm-hmm

Lauren:
For me, it's like that is

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
the clarity of who my people are. Who do I even like to surround myself with? Who are these people who are equally as committed to

Papa Rick:
Yep.

Lauren:
the change as me? And I think that to me is the, say, if I'd encapsulate the message, it would be, it would be, and that's, we have to, I guess, it's risking the vulnerability of allowing ourselves to be seen so we can find our people. If we hide,

Jennifer Hayes:
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Lauren:
it's hard to find our people. And I know, because it's so easy to do, it's so easy to like

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
go behind the screen, I just want to normalize that because to like, again, put yourself out there, be seen as a parent, as a student applying, and then, but

Jennifer Hayes:
Hmm.

Lauren:
that's, but the risk is that like, we won't find those other ones who are also

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Lauren:
voter-requitting themselves out there as well, and awkwardly, and messing up, and being like, whoop, so let me try again, I got rejected, want to join me for ice cream, and you know, those are hard, those are hard

Papa Rick:
Exactly,

Lauren:
moments.

Papa Rick:
exactly.

Jennifer Hayes:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
Wanting to be, being willing to be seen, being brave

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
enough to be seen

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
as an imperfect person,

Lauren:
absolutely.

Papa Rick:
that can actually attract, you know, if other, when you evidence your vulnerability, I mean other people will, that lowers the threshold of resistance or fear for other people to say, hey, there's a vulnerable person, I'm a vulnerable person, even though I don't let anybody show it, you

Lauren:
Yep.

Papa Rick:
know, or

Lauren:
Yep.

Papa Rick:
let anybody

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
know it.

Lauren:
Absolutely.

Papa Rick:
That's all good communication. That's all that's all really good stuff and it's true in business you know picking picking apart the confusion is

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
is very valuable in

Lauren:
Yeah.

Papa Rick:
personal personal areas and in businesses and I like that phrase Can get rid of the confusion

Lauren:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Papa Rick:
Thank you.

Jennifer Hayes:
Beautiful.

Papa Rick:
Thank you. Thank

Jennifer Hayes:
Awesome.

Papa Rick:
you.

Jennifer Hayes:
Well, thank you so

Lauren:
Thank

Jennifer Hayes:
much for being

Lauren:
you

Jennifer Hayes:
here.

Lauren:
so much. Oh no, this was great. I have loved this conversation. I'm like totally enraged and now I'm like leaving. Like, how do I want to make my island? That's my question.

Jennifer Hayes:
Right.

Lauren:
I'm

Lauren:
leaving with no questions today.

Jennifer Hayes:
Oh, good. Good. Awesome.

Lauren:
Yeah.

Jennifer Hayes:
Okay. All right. Well, thank you, Lauren. And we will see everybody next week. Thank you.

Lauren:
Yeah.

Creators and Guests

Host

Jennifer Hayes

Host

Rick Hayes

Guest

Lauren Schmidt

Lauren is a social worker who created A Tree That Grows to help teens gain clarity on their passion & purpose through global impact projects. She has 10 years of experience in youth mentorship and international development and has helped teens gain acceptance to top schools such as Havard, Yale, Stanford, Columbia, MIT and many more. Lauren’s passionate about helping young people & their families navigate the teen years with less stress, more purpose and a whole lot more joy. She offers a Volunteer Fellowship program that guides students through designing passion projects that highlight their unique strengths. She’s also a mom to 3 amazing kids who were all born in Tanzania.

Editor

Natalie Long

Ep 011: From High School to Adulthood: Parenting Through Big Life Transitions and Service-Based Leadership with Lauren Schmidt

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Creators and Guests

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