The Relational Parenting Podcast

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uh but the act of empathy and the ability to
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make choices based on how you affect the world and the people around you that is
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learned welcome to the relational parenting podcast I'm Jennifer Hayes a
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parent coach and 20-year Child Care veteran each week I sit down with my own father Rick Hayes and discuss the
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complicated issues that parents face today as well as some of the oldest questions in the book from the latest
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research and the framework of my relational parenting method we offer thought-provoking solutions to your
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deepest parenting struggles or in other words how to parent your kids without losing your mind or traumatizing theirs
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added bonuses include intergenerational wounding discussions and guest Child
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Care Experts you will also start taking your parenting questions in episode 5 so
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be sure to comment with your biggest questions or email me directly at Jenny
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jennyb.com let's get started hello hello connection over control this
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might be my favorite week you guys this is a big one this is the number one
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pillar of relational parenting when we prioritize our relationship with our
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child even in the hardest moments our child learns to trust us
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the strongest bonds are built in the most harrowing of times and this applies
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to our kids too in this episode we talk about the importance of spending joyful time
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creating connection with our kids as well this episode lays the foundation for
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everything else to come and I am beyond excited to share it with you all right
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so we are here today talking about our topic today is
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Over Control in our parenting so how to parent through difficult moments using
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connection and healthy conflict skills instead of power and control
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so in relational parenting one of our not
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one of our biggest goal is to maintain the connection in the relationship
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even when things are really hard or We're In conflict or our kid is having
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really big emotions about something that we don't think warrants big emotions or whatever
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it might be maintaining that connection instead of worrying about getting a
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behavior to stop or getting a specific response from our kids so yeah so we're
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prioritizing the connection during the hard moments the reason that this is so
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important and why it's one of my pillars of relational parenting is that we
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create bonds and Trust deeper bonds and Trust um during the hard times during conflict
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then we do even in the joyful moments so creating
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joyful moments and connecting with your children and building your relationship with your children in that way is also
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extremely important and necessary for having for any relationship
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is experiencing things and finding Joy together
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but the place that we really Root Down in
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our relationships into trust and lifelong Bond
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is through moments of difficulty or really
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big emotions or really big behaviors when we're talking about kids yeah so
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okay so it creates trust and deeper bonds and we're adding to our children's confidence as well because this when we
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allow our children to have their big feelings and especially when they're small and they have big feelings which
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usually leads to Big behaviors like Tantrums or Screaming or hitting or any
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of those things when we allow those things to happen when they're small and we greet them with understanding and
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calm and curiosity and problem solving when they're little then they are able
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to feel safe in their environment they're able to feel like they can be
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honest about their big feelings and they learn through your example and
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through teaching once they're calm they learn that just because they have a big emotion it doesn't mean that they can
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also have big behaviors and so by the time they're big enough to cause harm
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with their behaviors they've learned not to do that they've learned healthier coping skills which means that you the
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parent get a child who feels safe heard and understood and that means they're
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going to cooperate with you much easier than a child who feels scared or
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powerless or disconnected from the most important person in their life
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and it also just fun fact it actually takes longer to have the power struggle
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with your kid to have the argument to shut them down to send them to their room to force the coat or the shoes onto
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their feet it takes longer and more energy and more frustration to do all of
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that than it does to take a deep breath regulate yourself and
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calmly Comfort your child reassure your child and then problem solve together it
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sounds it feels hard and it sounds harder but it's actually takes
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in general less time less time to do that and it keeps you connected and
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doesn't cause a break in the relationship and those repetitive breaks when our kids are really young
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are detrimental to the parent-child relationship and then
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as the child grows those breaks
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just keep growing so sometimes the uh you know sometimes there is an urgency
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right you know kids about to run out in front of a car no that's that's the time to grab them
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other times you know you have to how do I want to handle this
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so that the uh to keep things calm you know and and get
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through it as as quickly as possible it takes a little practice to get and I
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know I've made the wrong choice made a choice I wish I'd made different dealing with
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something right now as opposed to spending an
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extra minute to get done and and then learn they don't so much learn it right then you're
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not passing on the regulation and and uh right then it's when the kids I remember
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um your brother he'd let fall and watch other little kids they'll fall and skin their knee and they get up and they turn
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and look at their parents when they're real little to see how they should react right it doesn't they don't learn it
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right there when when you're on the way to church or you know whatever work they've
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it kind of it consolidates with them the next time that happens and now they you
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know now they have a memory to work on the idea is to get as many of those kind of memories as opposed to coming put on
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you go let's go you know I'm the I'm the big person you're the little person
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do it my way uh kind of stuff and it gets easier as they get older you know you don't have to keep doing that
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well there's that's a really great example because that's one of like the classic ones that that most people know
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about um is when a kid falls down like they
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look at the people around them to see like oh something big just happened like
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am I scared am I hurt am I whatever and I
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yeah that that's such a great example and they're doing that it's so obvious in that moment and that's such a great
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example um and that's why a lot of people know about it but they're doing it they are doing that 24 7.
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like even when they're playing they've got one ear on you or they've got one eyeball on you or whatever like paper
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quarters yeah like we always joke you know our mom's always joke I've got eyes in the back of my head you know
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no you know you know kids are like how did you know what I was doing or whatever I I think kids have eyes in the back of
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their head and kids have like they don't even know that they're doing it that they're absorbing literally everything around them and so they are constantly
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watching their parents their caregivers and
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mimicking and I mean just think about babies when you're you know you're holding a baby in front of you and
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you're face to face and you're trying to get the baby to you know raise their eyebrows or stick their tongue out or
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stick its tongue out yeah giggle like babies like they will they try to copy
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you they mimic you that's how they learn how to live and so if every time your kid has a big emotion and is letting it
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out through crying or yelling or saying
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no or hitting you or their siblings or themselves or whatever it is if every
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time they do something like that you react with like urgency and freaking out and like trying to stop them and and
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whatever that's what that that's what they're gonna learn to do and so those Tantrums
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are never going to go away though um unless it's fear-based unless they're you know afraid to throw a tantrum
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um but those the way that they handle their own emotions is going to follow them into adulthood
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um and that's how they're going to handle their emotions in all of their relationships and with themselves for
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the rest of their lives unless they were you know get therapy or a coach or
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whatever and learn to do it differently um unlearned some of the stuff as children
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you know what we do what we do we tend to parent unless we work at it we tend to parent with what we picked up as kids
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and you know that's why people are always saying I'm never going to be like my my
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parent in some way or another right and then you catch yourself being like
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your parent I can't believe that just came out of my mouth and uh
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best best not to put it in the head in the first place and even if it's not perfect
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as little as possible you know working at it makes things makes the world a better place you know just you don't
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have to be perfect at it progress not uh Perfection kind of thing
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um like you said you know that they have in that moment when you respond calmly
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and then teach you know once everyone has been heard and everyone has calmed
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down and then you take them out a moment to teach or problem solve with your child
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it's not necessarily then that the next time they have a big emotion they're gonna just magically be able to handle
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it but what's going to happen through repetition is they're going to start building those
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memories those those and and that will become a habit and
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that will turn into their ability to self-regulate eventually
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um you also said something else that I wanted to make sure and expand on which was the
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alternative being like you're trying to get in the car you're late for school
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kid won't get their shoes on or whatever and and you just pick them up you know throw them under your arm and carry them
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and get them in the car seat and like just physically like force them um and you're not necessarily hurting
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them but you are taking away their choice their voice their autonomy
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yeah and you are you're taking you're you're controlling them you are
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um making them powerless you are forcing them to do something and one that's
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terrifying to anyone um and two that also with repetition
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will teach that child that if they don't want to do something
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the only Force that's gonna make them do it is someone outside of
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themselves or a situation outside of themselves that forces them to do it and
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instead of having a conversation with the caregiver about why we need to go
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like here's here's a b and c or here's what's happening here's the timeline
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here's why and really like describing what's going on why we need to get there
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you know School is they don't just wait on one person there's a group of
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students there ready to learn and we need to respect everyone's time right and so really really giving
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you know even a three-year-old can understand that conversation and giving
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them the why behind what we're doing
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will teach them to be able to have discipline and put
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effort into things and respect other people's time when they're older
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and the choices up to them there's no one forcing them to do things if they
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don't ever learn how to do that when they're young they're gonna really struggle with it when they're older and
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when they're adults and they're gonna you know be flaky or just not show up or
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you know all the different things I think that's that's a real important point is
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you want to be careful about putting yourself in the position of being at the mercy of a two-year-old in the middle of
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a meltdown to make good choices nobody makes good choices in the middle of a
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meltdown or an upset but you do want to teach them to make good choices you know
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let them know it's their choice How This Ends or whatever but here here are the
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criteria and the summit because age-appropriate extent got a nap to an
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age-appropriate extent you uh make it get them get them to buy in to
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the program that's at hand yeah that the buy-in the intrinsic
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motivation that we want like I certainly
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I I personally don't have the intrinsic motivation the level of
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intrinsic motivation and discipline that I wish I had you know and I've been an adult for a
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very long time and I've done my own you know taken responsibility for that and and done my own work with that and
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whatnot but I know that growing up whether it was through
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your P like your parenting I don't have like a specific memory about any of that but I know that like I
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was you know there was school and I know that it was like you needed to show up on time and if you were tardy there were
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um consequences and if you you know and and I was kind of always I was kind of always externally motivated growing up
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and I still am today I'm very motivated by the expectations of others
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um and but as I've grown as an adult I also
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have like I know people who have not respected my time and that's been really frustrating
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and so I don't do that to other people now because that's intrinsically motivated in me to not waste other
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people's times and to show a long time for appointments and etc etc outside of
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like the consequence of like oh your appointment's gonna be canceled or you're going to be charged
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you know whatever um like a late fee or whatever it is but
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I I've developed an adulthood the intrinsic motivation to not waste other
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people's times with time because it's been done to me um I'm being considerate yeah being considerate but that can
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start that can start so much younger like that can be taught
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you know a lot of parenting especially when I was a kid a lot of parenting was
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you know you're given a choice between uh do what I say or there's a
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consequence like that was the choice that kids were given was you either you
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can you know you have two choices do it this way or you're in trouble and that's
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not that's not a that's not a real choice right there's no actual Choice there for the time
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giving choices is is giving two actual like equal choices neither of them being
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a punishment um and I think that that type of parenting you know
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led to [Music] me being that type of parenting that
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type of just like the like social environment was set up that way too and yeah there was a lot of like like
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external motivation I was not an internally motivated child yeah at all
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I I wanted to do the right thing so that I would be a
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good kid and show up on time and get good grades and you know blah blah and it it
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externally created good circumstances for me so like the goal was achieved but then
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as an adult who wasn't being told what to do all the time wasn't being handed you know a
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list and a next step and you know I had to like go out in the world and create
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my life I was just like what do I do now there's nobody to just
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not prepared please and show up for
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yeah yeah it's funny how our personalities are formed you studied it
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more than I have but yeah people who are I don't I wouldn't know how to create an intrinsically motivated person
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really because I'm like uh dutiful employee you know makes makes it
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hard for me to be a entrepreneur like you because it's
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you know I'm looking for a system to plug myself into and Excel in rather
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than heck what the world thinks I'll make my own system you know
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interesting well I've wanted to I've had business ideas since I was
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25. like nine years maybe nine years now and
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I think partially I wasn't ready to be an entrepreneur and I dabbled yeah like
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little side gigs while I had um while I had full-time jobs or
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whatever and but I always felt like something I've always felt like something was missing
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and I've always felt like there was something else I was meant to be doing and so you know I obviously I
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had lots of business ideas over those years but I think I finally found the one I'm you know meant to be doing
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because it's what I've been passionate about my whole life but uh
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it has not been super
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easy like as I'm uneasy at all it's been like because I grew up following rules
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following um a template of what life is supposed
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to look like and doing all of the right things
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and then realizing
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my level of Life satisfaction was like gone
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and you know and figuring out what I actually want my life to look like and what I actually want to do with it and
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you know all those things and that's been just in the last four or five years or so and so that's just that's been
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so hard to break out of that like plug into a system and just do it the way it's
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been done you know so yeah so that's you know an added an
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added benefit of of not just keeping the relationship healthy with your kids uh
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not just creating lifelong bonds and emotional intelligence for your children to have throughout their lives but also
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we're creating intrinsic motivation and you said a minute ago that you weren't sure how to do that
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and the secret is empathy so
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when we uh when we show empathy when we
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you know set the example of giving empathy to our children our children then become capable of being empathetic
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and the way that you become intrinsically motivated is
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knowing how something feels when it happens to you and not wanting to do that to other people
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so or understanding a concept of how it feels or how it hurts or whatever to
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someone else and then deciding you get to decide what kind of person you're going to be and so
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you know if children are given the chance especially from a young age
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to they're given the example of what empathy looks like and how they should
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be treated and because how our parents treat us set us up for our expectations
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from friends and partners in life if we give our kids a really strong
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example of being treated well being loved being understood being empathized
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with uh that our children naturally will learn that and they will start to
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cut on to that and be able to give that to other people um we don't come out
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empathetic people like we don't we aren't born with empathy empathy is learned and
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there are you know some people will argue that that you know my my kid is super sensitive to
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everyone around him and he feels everything that we feel and and yes like
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there are levels of sensitive and tuned in that different children have built
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into their personalities uh but the act of empathy and the
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ability to make choices based on how you affect the
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world and the people around you that is learned yeah I agree that's that's an important
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distinction being sensitive is different than attributing
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sensitivity to other people and valuing recognizing that understanding the value
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of recognizing that you know a psychopath or whatever I'm sure they have and I'm thrown around around terms
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I don't understand technically but um you know they have an emotional life
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uh I think it's a psychopathy psychopath that doesn't doesn't see any
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doesn't have any emotion well I guess that maybe that is they don't have any emotional attachment to other people or
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something you know something where you you can have a you can have an emotion but you don't necessarily
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understand that other people are having exactly the same emotions you are and reacting to things you probably do
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the difference between us and them I guess babies do that too you have to learn the difference between yourself
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and other people yeah because you're I mean you're you
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know a common again a common example if a two-year-old or a three-year-old hitting
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a younger sibling you know and the reaction
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is oh no no don't do that you're gonna hurt her you're gonna hurt them they
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don't necessarily understand what that means of course I was you can even say like do
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you like it when you get kicked you know if maybe they're they
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you know the sister has kicked them accidentally walked through they have a friend who has kicked them you can even
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like bring up that concept and be like do you like it when you get kicked and they'll be like no and I'm like well
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she doesn't like it when she gets kicked and they might logically understand that
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but emotionally that connection is still not there like
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their brain isn't capable of it yet but through repetition
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and uh setting the example they will learn
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it um but only if they're taught so and that's a good example I think
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with some something serious you know a three-year-old hitting a two-year-old
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there's there's a minimal amount of damage probably going to happen there but you want but you
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want your child to learn not to do that by the time they're 20. you know and uh so that's where the
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that's where the your regulation as a parent you know or it's handy to be more
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mature than your child uh to word we haven't used I guess mature maybe
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um but to engage take a chance to get you engage your kid and get some cooperation explain
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why for the millionth time maybe but explain and uh
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get things calmed down and show them how to show them how to do that you know
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yeah and it is the millionth time you know you
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involve your child in that conversation and that
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problem solving and ask questions instead of just preaching talking at them again and
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again and again I said this 800 times like once everyone has calmed down and
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we're going to walk through some age specific examples of how to handle these
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situations in a second um but once everyone has calmed down instead of being like we don't hit
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because that hurts people remember instead of saying that because you they
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know they know and they don't have self-control at certain ages and it's going to happen so make me like remember
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don't you remember like that's just gonna cause shame which was our last episode
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um but instead you know that they know the answer ask questions and ask them to
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problem solve with you because that pulls them into a place of emotional maturity and
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they're not just hearing it for the 400th time and they're not just watching
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your example they are now able to verbalize the logic and the rationale behind why
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we don't hit and that gives them a third sensory
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you know input and slash output uh of learning and that's going to help
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solidify that learning and that memory in their brain for the next time too
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it's also going to help them feel really good about themselves when kids are invited into the problem-solving
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conversation they feel accomplished and that builds their confidence and it
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makes them not want to do it next time because now they've proven like I know better and like I learned something and
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I was able to tell it to you and it motivates them intrinsically to not do
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it again kids like to be grown up look how grown up I am I'm acting like a grown-up the
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trick the trick when you're explaining or the goal when you're taking the time investing the time I like to think of it
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as an investment I'm spending time with my child here quality time you know for
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two minutes or five minutes if they're if they're little or even if you're big you know if they need comforting okay
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nobody thinks straight when they're upset we got to get the upset dealt with and uh not let it be a not let it be a
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control thing but it's like okay now everybody's thinking straight the goal is to get them thinking and then they
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then they can process themselves yeah and then it sticks then it's you only
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have to say it 300 times not 400. [Music]
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for yourself then if someone just turns into like that's dangerous don't do it or like don't date you know that
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that you know I'll be bad boys don't date that type of person you know or whatever like you you learn things more
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deeply and profoundly when you learn it yourself
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yeah so so I want to I want to touch on a couple examples of a few different age
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groups here so we tend to spend and I tend to spend
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a lot of time in the zero to five age group because that's where you know all of this all of this begins
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at Birth um and so I tend to spend a lot of time in that zero to five age range because if we can if we can get in and and
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do this inside of those years those crucial developmental ears it sets you
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up for success for the rest of their childhood um
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can absolutely turn things around no matter what age your child is at even if they're adults there's repair and
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healing that can be found so but zero to five so um in the zero to five range big
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feelings are often expressed through loud vocalizations big body movements
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tantruming lashing out at siblings or parents and at this age kids have very
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little self-control ability they are developmentally incapable of
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self-regulation um empathy and understanding so we have to
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greet them with empathy and understanding first um so we have to address feeling the
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feelings first before we can address the behavior and to teach anything
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um kids at this age they have no prefrontal cortex um so they are operating survival mode
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if there's anything that we learn in zero to five
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and you remember and take away from this is that zero to five-year-olds are in survival mode at all times so they are
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in the lizard brain they are taking in their environment they are scanning for danger and they are learning what and
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who they can trust in the world and is my world a safe place mm-hmm and so at this age
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it's all co-regulation it is all watching parents and caregivers and
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learning from them and then watching how they respond to you when you have big
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feelings and from that they are going to regulate accordingly so they're either
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going to regulate to your fear and your yelling and your control and your power
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struggle or they're going to regulate to your calmness your curiosity your
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gentleness your understanding and then they're gonna they're either gonna learn that or
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they're gonna learn the power struggle um
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so then we move into the six-year-old to 12 year old I saw you write something
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down for that age group is there something you wanted to no I was just making a note of the of
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the terms co-regulation you know where you're doing it together um that's an interesting that's a hadn't
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heard that one before that's interesting yeah no that wasn't like a note to say
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something later kids at that age they can't they can't regulate
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themselves they don't they've never learned they don't know how so they are running you know if our if our brains were a gas
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tank and in order to [Music]
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well that metaphor died just as quickly as it popped into my head the thought that
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came to my mind was there's a you know you'll have a new baby getting passed around an older one little babies
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usually aren't a problem but you know kids are okay as long as they're sitting on their mom and dad's lap especially
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moms laugh um and then you come up a new chi-woochie coochie coo and they they
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look at you and then they then they melt down and it's like you know I didn't do
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anything but it's you know there's something going on they didn't let you know you reminded him of something or
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surprised or whatever it was it came out of the peripherals or you happen to just
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be scary to them they've never seen someone who looks like you yet like they're very new everything that you
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just grab their cheek like and they're just like what is happening right now yeah yeah so that's just you know so Mom
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Mom is there you know it's good to have Co co-regulation and say yeah yeah you
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know it's okay don't worry and uh let him calm down and try again
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later maybe he's not I like that term co-regularly
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yeah well they so we learn how to regulate ourselves and our emotions and our nervous systems and when something
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scares us or something really upsets us or whatever like when we're born you
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know like I said we're in survival mode we're trying to make sure we have a full belly
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we're trying to make sure we aren't sitting in our own feces we're trying to make sure that we get enough sleep and
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every and then anything that we visually you know all the sensory intake so the things that we touch the things that we
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see the things that we hear um things that we taste all of those things tell us send us signals like
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you're safe You're Not Safe you're safe You're Not Safe yeah and until you get exposed to enough things in life to
36:47
start to learn what's safe and what's not you require a caregiver to give you that
36:53
physical closed closeness and that emotional verbal feedback of like you're
36:59
safe I'm right here I know that was scary it's okay I'm right here like
37:05
you know so the empathy the empathy and the and the co-regulation the physical co-regulation
37:12
um as well as the verbal co-regulation code just means to it just means that
37:18
they're not doing it by themselves yeah yeah leading the way but in order to have in order to be able to
37:24
co-regulate with your child you also have to be able to self-regulate that's
37:29
the secret yeah um and that is the hard part right so
37:36
moving on to our six to 12 year old
37:41
kiddos so we've been in the world for a while we've met lots of people maybe
37:47
we've you know started going to school uh we have friends we're learning lots
37:54
of things outside of the home we're in that cognitive social area
38:01
um and so big feelings are often expressed through things like arguing
38:07
Defiance negotiating crying or secluding
38:12
um themselves internalizing their feelings or and or blaming others
38:19
for what happened whatever the situation might be so blaming mom and dad and
38:25
blaming sibling blaming friend blaming teacher things like that and so
38:32
um so generally in a sec in six to 12 year olds they know logically and
38:37
rationally what to do but their feelings are still bigger than their self-control some of the time and so our expectation
38:45
of 6 to 12 year olds you know raises and especially there's a huge difference
38:51
between six-year-olds and 12 year olds um but our expectations go up right
38:57
we've taught we've co-regulated you know they know in their minds what's okay and
39:04
what's not and what causes harm and different ways of coping with different
39:09
emotions but there's prefrontal cortex is still under is still not fully
39:15
developed um and they still need help and some co-regulation and
39:22
a lot of the time in this age group that happens through curiosity questions
39:28
and pulling them into the problem-solving process so we we start we start pulling kids
39:36
into the problem-solving process when they're little that zero to five age but the six to twelve the cognitive leaps
39:43
that happen um in six to 12 year olds really start to give them that ability for rational
39:50
thought and logical um you know an abstract consequential
39:58
thinking so they're able to you know have like a real like almost like an
40:05
adult conversation right um yeah so
40:12
the the the touchy part here at this eight
40:18
at this age is their ability for abstract thinking has
40:25
developed um that can also mean they're now capable of
40:31
starting to have things like self-shame and self-worth issues and so we can cause shame and self-worth
40:39
issues in zero to five year olds but in general zero a zero to five year
40:46
old brain is not thinking to themselves I'm so bad and I sh you know I shouldn't
40:52
have done that and um like a little bit it starts a little bit in that age group
40:57
um but this six to 12 year old age group is really when that capability uh you
41:04
know develops in the brain um and so this is babies babies have to
41:10
learn that they're separate than their parents or something don't they there's like an age
41:15
I know it didn't happen at a certain age for everybody and that's why parents are so important because the parent's the
41:21
only one that really keeps track of those details in development of each child and uh yeah but that you know the
41:29
kids are unaware that they that they're a person for a long time until they get older and they can you
41:36
can start to start to rationalize with them start yeah coach them that
41:42
so that so yeah so that abstract thought of like I'm me and you're you
41:49
and they're learning you know that the things that I do like how I affect the
41:56
world around me if I do this then this happens when I do that that happens
42:03
and they're really starting to like put all those pieces together
42:08
um and so making sure here that we are still offering empathy when they're with
42:14
big emotions happen we're offering empathy we're giving understanding and saying I hear you that sounds
42:22
frustrating um you know I understand how you feel validating their feelings things like
42:29
that and then and then again once everyone's calm and feels heard and
42:34
understood that's when we can teach that's when we can actually teachings
42:40
yeah that's when problem solving happens and making sure that that we're validating
42:47
feelings without justifying Behavior but making the feelings wrong is what's
42:54
going to cause that like self-shame and self-doubt and lack of self-worth
42:59
um being like I shouldn't have you know that's not something that's not something to cry over that's you know
43:05
there's starving kids in Africa and you have a meal on your plate why are you crying over not wanting to eat spaghetti
43:10
like that's that's not that's going to cause major self-shame issues okay
43:17
that's not the best approach yeah um
43:22
yeah so we enter teenage years everyone's favorite
43:28
uh so we're entering the teenage years and so here big feelings are often
43:35
expressed through yelling arguing breaking boundaries and rules
43:40
um so showing that I'm independent showing that I can do that you can't control me that I can make my own
43:46
choices and make my own decisions um Rebellion but it's like Rebellion isn't
43:54
isn't a necessary part of being a teenager
44:00
make no independencies yeah independent and that's the point I
44:05
was making I love that six to twelve or or you know that when they're they've
44:10
got some your kid has developed some basic confidence now you're really now
44:15
you're really training them and now they're really watching you on a conscious effort
44:21
you know you drink beer why can't I and and and you start to get to really talk
44:26
with them and then they I always thought of it as building con
44:32
competence in you guys after a few years of that they get to an age where they
44:38
okay I know where the boundaries are and I want to be different or whatever the motivation is and and that's
44:46
if at that point all they've been taught is is uh do do
44:54
what do what Dad does or you get a whack or whatever you know if it's just
44:59
uh parents way or the highway and they want to exert their Newfound competence
45:06
you know like hey I can drive see you sit in the driver's seat and turn a key
45:11
and at the gas pedal I can I can do that you know and they'll start to act out
45:17
I guess partly for attention but partly just to exert their independence and and back to I look how grown up I am I can
45:24
do these things and that's sometimes that turns into like Rebellion and uh
45:30
it's better that they think about things you know to up to that point it's better if you've taught them to think about
45:36
things and have a reason for what they're doing you know yeah yeah so the Tina I look I look at that
45:43
whole age group uh as kind of a Continuum it's not a you know there's not I guess there's
45:49
steps you notice kids develop in in you know you turn around you go wow you you
45:55
know I've just noticed you've grown up a lot since yesterday you know so it kind of Clicks in a notch
46:02
um but then that whole that whole that whole age range from I'm a baby to
46:09
you know I'm gone uh living my own life now that's all that's a big Continuum to
46:15
me of picking up skills picking up regulation you know it's uh it's a long slow
46:22
slide and I they're all my favorite they're all they're all my favorite uh stages too I
46:30
just I just love watching kids and fun seeing where they're at and and doing that I do that
46:36
to kids I run into probably I'm probably over per rental but I just love watching
46:41
kids develop and helping them develop and uh seeing how they develop differently you
46:48
know they get more personality as they get older yeah and you're right there it is a
46:54
Continuum so I broke this down broke this down for just for the sake of
47:01
examples and people who are in the middle of parenting different age groups but
47:06
um it's the skill is the same no matter how old they are
47:13
so the um offering empathy and understanding and and validating feelings you have to
47:21
do that in no matter how old somebody is 0 17 95.
47:28
everyone that's why there's value in teaching it because there's you know yeah it never goes away
47:35
um but how you do that depends on the age appropriateness of
47:41
different things so in 18 year olds you know if all they've known is like you
47:49
said do what Dad tells you to do or do what mom tells you to do if they've
47:54
never learned intrinsic motivation or value or learned how to think about
47:59
their choices they've just been told what to do and you need to do it then by the time they're 13 and 18 and those
48:06
very Natural Instincts of Independence and making my own choices kick in then
48:12
they're not going to know how to make good choices and all they're going to know is that I'm gonna do the opposite
48:17
of whatever you say that's right because I'm you know
48:23
hormones and brain development and like it's what they're supposed to do they're supposed to start learning how to be
48:29
independent and kids are going to do what they are meant to do at the age they're meant to do it whether you the
48:34
parent are prepared for it or not and so we need to we need to stop
48:41
trying to put kids into a box and make them be a certain thing and we need to
48:47
shift our parenting to accommodate who our child is
48:52
and that requires us to be regulated emotionally intelligent people and
48:59
unfortunately a lot of us were not raised to be regulated emotionally
49:04
intelligent right because you have to be you have to be in tune with yourself in order to tune into to someone else even
49:12
your own kid um like there's no magic there's no you know there's there's
49:19
oxytocin and there's a bond created when when a child is born but there's there's
49:25
no magic switch that turns on when you become a parent you're still the person you were before that baby was born and
49:33
if you don't learn these skills and you learn how to be regulated and calm and curious
49:41
you can't tune in to the creature that your child already is
49:47
um and you will just go off of your instinctual survival
49:52
how you were parented and how you you know you're you're gonna parent-based out of your fears of what you don't want
50:00
your child to be or whatever um
50:05
yeah thoughtful parenting that's yeah I think that's why we touching back on we
50:10
talked about uh uh extrinsically motivated
50:16
you know I I I'm thinking back now that's that's the way I was raised be a
50:22
good employee work hard that kind of traditional stuff and
50:28
less thoughtful I think is the word that popped into my head you know it was it was more automatic
50:35
you know you're tired you're working there's limited time there's there's multiple kids it's not just you and one
50:42
kid and sometimes time is short and uh it takes took me a long time to learn to
50:50
be thoughtful in my reactions to situations and I'm not
50:56
always you know it's not like I'm perfect but um you'll learn that there's a if you're
51:03
working for a goal then you have to you have to stop and think about it and uh for just a second get it's like
51:10
switching modes you know it's like okay I need to get out of what I was doing right now the urgency
51:16
thing and say okay stop this is a parenting moment to style
51:22
before you before you go back it requires I don't require some kind of Trigger or
51:28
um falling back on a on a goal on a principle I'm not sure
51:34
what I'm trying to articulate here um but yeah you gotta you gotta stop and
51:39
think when you're dealing with your kids if you want to have kids who stop and
51:45
think and are regulated and you know regulate yourself well and being able to
51:53
just like being able to step out of the urgency when you recognize oh this is a
51:58
parenting moment but taking it one step further and being that person all the
52:04
time so it will serve you the parent to be calmer and more Curious like you will
52:11
you will approach the world calmly you will you know you won't get
52:16
like frantic and frustrated and overwhelmed constantly because you're letting everything around you dictate
52:23
how you feel like if you can become that person all of the time or most of the time
52:33
then you will naturally parent that way instead of there needing to be this like
52:39
switch of like I'm gonna go be this like overstimulated overwhelmed frantic
52:46
person but when my kid talks to me I'll calm down that's also not realistic like
52:52
and that's you know that's harder that's true that's true and that's a
52:58
learned thing you have that's growth for everybody involved yeah as a parent you know you got to learn to you're right
53:04
you can't just turn it on like a switch yeah so yeah so
53:10
um I just want to finish off the teenage example real quick is um so
53:16
teenagers are seeking Independence and what they want more than anything is
53:22
Trust so you know if you've done your job as a parent and you've taught them
53:28
you know this is the age where where you know giving an inch here and there and
53:35
and giving them you know a longer leash or whatever you want to put it giving them some Independence giving them an
53:41
opportunity to make choices and screw up and like
53:47
you know parenting is also like have
53:52
expect failure expect mistakes because if you go into parenting expecting your
53:58
child to rise to the occasion and make the right choice then you are constantly
54:04
going to be disappointed in your child and that's not fair because I still walk out of the house and make bad choices in
54:10
the morning like it's like we no one is perfect and your child is still learning how to be a human being so seeking
54:18
Independence and Trust uh in the teenage years and
54:24
you know when they screw up they require the same empathy feelings being validated
54:31
understanding of their perspective about why they made that choice uh because very rarely does anyone just make a
54:39
choice with no reasons behind it there's always a reason and a feeling and a thought and like there's always
54:45
something and maybe the way they thought about it isn't healthy or conducive to making a good
54:55
choice making a healthy choice and so you can through a healthy conversation
55:00
talk through their thought process instead of shaming them and punishing
55:07
them and then all they learn is to hate you instead of actually learning how to do it differently next time
55:14
um dealing with the dealing with the action and not the why doesn't teach anybody anything you don't
55:21
learn about them what's going on in their heads they don't learn how to make a better choice
55:26
the next time yeah and just the exercise of why why do you think you did that why
55:32
you know what were you thinking um that that promotes uh learning to
55:38
name an emotion you know golly I don't know why I just felt but uh and uh it's
55:44
good to start naming emotions they get older and have words and and get more mature then it's good to teach them
55:50
those skills too real quick I would ask you
55:56
if you noticed what was because you even said that there was a Continuum here right of the 0 to 18 it's not all just
56:04
like no no human develops exactly at the same
56:10
level same age all the time right but um did you notice what was the same
56:17
no matter what the age group was what was the same need
56:23
in each age group well
56:29
so to be for me it kind of It kind of breaks down
56:35
to no matter what the age is you have to treat kids with some respect
56:45
as a separate human being you know they're not just somebody to be bossed around and gotten to school and and
56:52
gotten ready uh the common thread for me is is uh uh
56:59
teaching keeping things keeping things pretty regulated so you so you can teach so you
57:06
can be a parent to them um
57:12
teaching teaching how to deal with life Pro you know there's other ways to say it but just uh
57:19
it's just teaching passing on skills that will make them more competent to deal with
57:27
what the world's gonna send them you know as they get older especially after they're 18 you know tall training for
57:34
when they're adults
57:41
what do we have to do first you gotta have calm you got to have a
57:46
relationship you have to have a you know if it's a if you if you look at
57:51
it like a parent child or a teacher student kind of thing which is kind of the way I look at it
57:58
um you have to have that relationship where they'll listen and since you're a grown-up you're kind of in
58:05
charge especially when they're little you're kind of in charge of creating that uh that environment that relationship
58:12
and as we get older you start to share it what creates that environment we're getting there this is fun okay
58:19
okay so in order to teach you've got to have a relationship and in order to have a relationship you have to have a safe
58:25
environment that's what you said in order for a safe environment what creates that safe environment
58:32
you're trying to get me to say a specific word the word is Trust or
58:39
trust is part of the safe environment I'm not sure
58:45
when a four-year-old is throwing a tantrum what's the first thing you do do you teach in a lesson
58:51
no no you call him calm him down hell
59:01
you talk you hold you do you you settle his nervous system
59:07
um you hand him to his mother if you're not his mother all right if you're somebody who can
59:13
calm you too find an adult to handle the situation
59:20
immediately I don't want to be holding someone else's crying child right
59:27
you I don't know Melody you validate their feelings validate okay that's a
59:34
news first yes yes empathy lead with empathy feelings first
59:41
we validate we have to address the feelings before and that is what calms
59:46
the nervousness that's interesting the nervous I think of that with is activated by emotions
59:52
once we can move the emotion whether that's through you know hugging holding
59:58
I hear you that sounds so frustrating I'm so sorry that you're feeling that that's oh that's a big feeling just
1:00:05
speaking to the feeling because sometimes kids are tantruming they need to move their bodies and flail you can't just like
1:00:11
you know tuck them in they're just gonna be like let go they need to move the emotion and that's
1:00:17
okay there's nothing wrong with that as long as they're not hurting you know themselves or someone else yeah
1:00:23
but just speaking to emotions speaking to the feeling and validating it for them no matter what age they are so
1:00:30
if they're 18 and throwing a tantrum we're valid we're validating I get how
1:00:37
you felt that I unders like oh that's so frustrating I hate it when someone does that to me yes yeah I hear you that like
1:00:45
instantaneously going to calm someone down and be like oh yeah I feel seen I feel
1:00:50
heard like you get me you get it okay we're calm
1:00:57
let's talk about the behavior let's talk about how to handle that better in the future so that's right you're allowed to
1:01:04
feel anything you want you're not allowed to act yes if you want to get along in society
1:01:10
you gotta you gotta learn to not act any way you feel like or well and even then
1:01:16
you know why feeling that way doesn't necessarily mean hitting your little brother yeah no
1:01:23
that makes a lot more sense I think of that validation brings to me a picture
1:01:28
of an older child but I can absolutely see the value of teaching that at a
1:01:33
younger age that just didn't come to me all right it's life-changing at a younger age I just want to say that to
1:01:39
all the parents and toddlers out there this will change your life if you do this to your toddler to your
1:01:47
two-year-old four-year-old three-year-old five-year-old like like your kids understand so much more
1:01:53
than we give them credit for and validating even your infant the research
1:02:01
shows even an infancy a child who for example
1:02:06
hates diaper changes if they are responded to like the diaper
1:02:11
change has to happen right and so you adjust and you make it as comfortable and safe and you know loving as possible
1:02:19
and you're gentle when you're wiping and you know maybe you get the little warmer for the wipes because they're they're
1:02:26
sensitive to the cold yeah um you know but the the tone and the
1:02:33
words that you use with a four-month-old a five month old a six-month-old baby
1:02:39
while you're changing their diaper and they're upset about it it they've literally shown that it like
1:02:45
it calm it calms the nervous system and helps it's not necessarily that the
1:02:51
child will stop crying or stop resisting the diaper change but it the fact that
1:02:58
you're still continuing to change their diaper doesn't cause a
1:03:03
um rip in the relationship of trust between that child and that caregiver
1:03:09
so saying oh you know diaper changes are hard I know this oh this wipe feels so
1:03:16
cold what is that oh my goodness and literally just empathizing verbally empathizing out loud what's happening
1:03:23
observing telling them you understand in a loving tone like they've shown that
1:03:28
the neural activity of the infant responding to those vocalizations is is different and better
1:03:36
and bonding versus a child who's screaming and mom or dad is just saying
1:03:42
you know it's okay it's okay it's almost over diaper oh we gotta change our
1:03:48
diaper though all we just it's okay like even those things that maybe we
1:03:53
think are like oh that's what you're supposed to say to a baby like you know re like reassuring them
1:04:00
still is not anywhere near as effective as validating how they're feeling
1:04:05
telling them it's going to be okay is not the same as saying I hear you this
1:04:11
is so hard I'm so sorry this is so hard for you I'm gonna get you clean and then
1:04:17
you know and describing what you're doing while you're doing it for an infant will also help teach
1:04:23
body autonomy and body awareness and anyway I don't want to yeah
1:04:31
yeah I remember it reminds me of a story helping one of your brothers went through a fell and hit hit the corner of
1:04:40
uh the leg of a chair and put a split in his forehead that required stitches see the bone man
1:04:47
and uh ran him to the emergency room and the doctor was like uh I need you to
1:04:55
hold him down while I clean it out and Stitch it up and so you know I'm sitting there laying
1:05:02
on him he was a big kid and but then sitting there talking to him trying to
1:05:08
reassure him like that um while restraining him I forget how
1:05:14
old he was three or four or five or something and just feeling about this tall but
1:05:22
fortunately in that okay that's one case I remember instinctively trying to like
1:05:27
yeah I know this sex buddy it's not going to last very long I'm sorry I get that it's not like resonating I don't
1:05:34
want to discount reassurance like give your child reassurance especially when something
1:05:39
scary is happening like yeah but it's it's so important to also validate that
1:05:46
they're scared and that they this is scary this is very scary because if all you're saying is it's
1:05:51
okay it's okay it's gonna be okay it's gonna be okay it'll be over soon you're teaching them to ignore their feeling of
1:05:58
being scared and so in the future like your intuition like when people talk about following your gut and your
1:06:05
intuition and like listening to that to that internal like like hey this isn't
1:06:11
safe hey this feels off yeah right if you destroy that when they're a child if
1:06:17
you destroy that like nudge that gut feeling and that knowledge like this
1:06:22
isn't right then when they're adults like they're not gonna they're gonna ignore it they're gonna shove those
1:06:28
feelings aside and they're gonna end up you know making choices based on someone else's opinion or peer pressure
1:06:35
or whatever it might be instead of listening to themselves and knowing what's good for them what's not good for them for them yeah so that's a good
1:06:42
point I've heard people talk about that in the educational system in the American Education you know if you squash
1:06:48
creativity or empathy or you know if you quash things in small kids
1:06:55
and you kind of miss a window it's hard for them to get it back hard for us to get it back
1:07:00
later in life through through growth we're still on the Continuum we're
1:07:06
sitting here talking about it I'm still learning yeah very cool
1:07:12
yeah there's there's a lot of years I wish I didn't
1:07:19
you know everyone is still learning we're all lifelong Learners it's Human Condition but there are a lot of pieces
1:07:27
of this that had I had you known better while you were
1:07:33
raising me I could have spent a lot less time and money in therapy or whatever
1:07:39
absolutely you know I think that's true you've spent paying for someone else to teach me these things as an adult versus
1:07:46
learning them when I was a kid um learning learning General skills to
1:07:51
handle things life throws at you I could spend you know learning to deal with death
1:07:57
uh and and there's just all kinds of things to learn that paying attention to your feelings
1:08:03
and stuff will uh can help uncomplicate not that people don't have grief but
1:08:10
you can deal with things healthier and less healthier with some teaching when you're little
1:08:17
yeah well things are things are absorbed so much faster and more and more deeply
1:08:22
into our subconscious from that zero to five range Things become very like
1:08:29
cognitive and prefrontal memorizing you know it takes longer to learn things
1:08:35
and takes more repetition to learn things once you hit that that like six six year old and on and
1:08:42
it's not again it's not impossible you can always you can always turn things around
1:08:49
um but it will be it will take more effort at those ages um than the natural kind of absorption
1:08:56
type learning that happens from zero to five um a little basic stuff yeah yeah so I
1:09:03
wanted to I just wanted to touch on and we've kind of touched on this
1:09:09
throughout the way that that these um connection using connection over
1:09:15
control uh to to gain cooperation right because
1:09:21
especially in young kids a huge part of why we end up exerting control
1:09:29
and power is that we just need to do something and we just need them to do it now
1:09:38
this whole episode has been about how to connect with your child in order to one
1:09:43
maintain a healthier relationship because that's the goal ultimately here but also to gain cooperation
1:09:51
um and this also applies in the whole the entire family setting versus just a one-on-one parent to child if you're
1:09:58
using these skills as a family unit you know whether it's a one-parent one child
1:10:04
family or a one parent six child family or two parents or you
1:10:10
know whatever your family is using these skills to remain connected no matter
1:10:18
what the situation is is going to create deeper bonds deeper trust and your
1:10:25
ability to work through conflict is going to become much faster much easier
1:10:32
Etc over time um and for children specifically when they're developing these skills and
1:10:38
you're teaching them these skills these relational skills bleed into literally
1:10:45
every other aspect of life so their ability to regulate themselves
1:10:51
is crucial to being able to handle what the world is going to throw at them
1:10:56
throughout their life and it's going to determine their ability to find friends
1:11:04
and maintain friendships and um find you know romantic partners and
1:11:11
maintain Healthy Partnerships and and not end up in like in toxic situations
1:11:22
being an abusive partner becoming a toxic partner
1:11:27
um and it also uh if it actually affects IQ so emotional
1:11:35
there is there is a correlation between emotional intelligence and
1:11:41
IQ level um which blew my mind when I read that and
1:11:47
um so it can actually I mean it's not going to be the difference between like a 90 and a 130 IQ score but it's it's
1:11:54
uh it's it makes a difference yeah yeah it
1:11:59
makes a difference and uh a lot of IQ the IQ tests a lot of people don't
1:12:07
know what that looks like because we're like four when they give us IQ tests
1:12:12
um but I retook my IQ test I think when I was like 18 or something
1:12:18
so I remember vividly what it was and it's almost all problem solving skills yeah yeah it's
1:12:27
problem solving it's not a math quiz or how to spell this word it's problem
1:12:32
solving achievement test yeah and so your ability to be confident and look at
1:12:40
something and trust yourself to be like how to look at something how does this puzzle go together
1:12:47
like if you have like all these self-worth issues and you don't know how things relate to each other and like you
1:12:54
haven't made sense of the world in that way then an IQ test is your score is gonna you know it's gonna be
1:13:00
your ability to problem solve which is your resilience in life yeah right because it's just a constant
1:13:07
barrage of obstacles and problems exactly it's it's all it's all how do
1:13:13
you deal how do you how do you play the cards that you've been dealt you know whatever happens to you yeah
1:13:19
so yeah so I just wanted to to reiterate that how important how important this
1:13:25
piece is it's not just about getting cooperation from your kids it's not just about having a happier more
1:13:33
conflict-free household like yes those are definitely the quality of life matters in those 18 years that you're
1:13:40
raising a child um but it also matters for your child's quality of life for the rest of their
1:13:46
life and so I just wanted to touch on that um before we end here
1:13:54
yeah do you have any do you have any like final not really what you're saying there just
1:14:01
triggered a thought about uh uh some years ago I read uh Daniel
1:14:07
Goldman's emotional intelligence book 90s dating myself I think and uh it hits
1:14:16
on it hits on that too the IQ test is a good predictor of success in School
1:14:22
academic success but not much of a predictor of Happiness people who say
1:14:29
I'm fulfilled or I I hate that word happiness these days it's
1:14:35
um you know but fulfillment and contentment and and general well a feeling of well-being about your life
1:14:41
whatever it is you're doing and passing that on the calmness and the uh you know
1:14:47
the relational the relational aspect of people if you're working working with people and
1:14:54
not you know if you're not living out in the middle of the trees somewhere and you have to get along with people
1:15:00
um EQ your emotional intelligence is a much bigger prediction better predictor
1:15:06
of contentment or or happiness in life
1:15:12
um not just problem solving you know you can problem solving is kind of limited by
1:15:18
what you're what you've been exposed to anyway yeah those are those things I can see how those things go together and
1:15:25
being and being good at relationships that's kind of an emotional intelligence thing right directly that's a better
1:15:31
predictor of getting you through life happy
1:15:37
yes talk awesome what a great note to end on
1:15:43
um yeah cool all right friends and if this
1:15:49
is intriguing to you or you want to learn more or you want to you know
1:15:54
you're struggling with implementing this in your own parenting life in your own
1:15:59
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1:16:06
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1:16:12
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1:16:27
believe that it takes a village to raise a child
1:16:33
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1:16:38
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1:16:44
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1:16:49
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1:16:54
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